Directed by Kevin Bray ("All
About the Benjamins").
Written by David Klass, Channing Gibson, David Levien and Brian
Starring The Rock, Johnny Knoxville, Neal McDonough and Ashley
Release Year: 2004
Review Date: 4/22/04
That is the total, non-credits running time
of The Rock's latest action-adventure "Walking Tall." How do I
know this? Well, I got to the theater at 12:50. At
exactly 1 PM, the MGM logo came up, and then we got some coverage
shots of The Rock--starring as Special Forces Sgt. Chris
Vaughn--walking from a boat, to his old town, through his old town
to an old chopping mill. As he got to the mill, the opening
credits finished in the bottom left-hand corner. I would
estimate this as being 1:05 PM.
As the film faded to black, I quickly
checked my watch. It was 2:14 PM. Grand total: 69
minutes. This, friends, makes "Walking Tall" the shortest film
I have ever seen, supplanting "Passenger 57" from its 12-year perch
as shortest-ever. Don't believe that the film's running time
is 86 minutes, like they say on moviefone.com; from the start of the
FUCKING THEATER COMMERCIALS to the end of the end credits, I was in
the theater for 91 minutes.
Oh, but there was another first: for
the first time in all of my moviewatching experiences in a theater,
there was no one else in my theater.
Well, that's not a complete truth.
There was a group of four teens in the theater, and myself, when
"Walking Tall" got started. 30 minutes into the movie--after
having booed and feigned snoring twice--the foursome got up and
left. Which left yours truly alone in the theater to suffer
through this flick solo.
Based on some 70s flick of the same name,
"Walking Tall" concerns itself with Vaughn's attempt to reclaim the
town that was once his home, but now is in the hands of a shady
casino owner (Neal McDonough,
Report") and other local goons. Naturally, the cops and
the casino owner try to fuck with Vaughn, but he IS Special Forces,
and he makes all of them pay by the end of this bullshit. Oh,
and did I mention that this is supposedly based on a true
story...whoops, "based on actual events"??
Possessing neither the style of his last
film, "The Rundown",
nor its frequent humor thanks to funny co-stars Seann William Scott
and Christopher Walken, "Walking Tall" doesn't have much to do in
its 69 minutes anyway. Johnny Knoxville, who seems like he
might be funny in real life, is almost totally useless here.
The action is so-so, although it does feel louder and more violent
than most PG-13s are allowed to be...one of this film's only saving
graces is the Brittany-Murphy-style dirty hotness of Ashley Scott as
Vaughn's former flame (and, uh, part-time casino stripper) Deni.
I'm suggesting that you rent this, but
that's only if you love The Rock, really need to see a short action
film or if your name is Chuck Longer. Otherwise, this is
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard