Directed by Kurt Wimmer.
Written by Kurt Wimmer.
Starring Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund and
Release Year: 2006
Review Date: 3/7/06
Okay, I'll admit it--I bit on a
somewhat-cool, crazy-obvious ripoff trailer thinking that there was
some semblance of a chance that "Ultraviolet" might be better than
Awful in ways that even teenage boys
shouldn't be subjected to watch, "Ultraviolet" is the early
contender for worst piece of fucking shit in 2006. Milla
Jovovich--incredibly beautiful, reasonably talented, progressively
worse film selections--stars as Violet, a "hemophage" (which, in
this film, I believe means "vampire") that is part of a resistance
movement against the human race, which has decided to wipe these
vampire bastards off the face of the earth. There's something
involving a plague, a blood war, a doctor/professional killer (Nick
Chinlund) and a little boy (Cameron Bright) that holds the key to
world peace or permanent world enslavement. I'll admit, I got
lost at some point early on involving the plot, but the realization
that this was poo-poo from the jump made me care even less.
"Ultraviolet", directed by the man that gave
us the incredibly-overrated ripoff "Equilibrium", borrows from so
many recent action films that it made an action film buff like
myself sick to my stomach; worse, it never takes into account that
action scenes are only cool when they create some element of drama
unless they are so over the top that you get lost in their utter
badassness. So, because the low-budget special effects do
nothing to impress, you're supposed to be wowed by the excessive
gunplay or the incredible fight choreography or maybe even the
flowing bloodletting...but, in all of these areas and more,
"Ultraviolet" fucking blows.
The action scenes really suck in this movie.
Over the course of killing more than 800 (yes, EIGHT HUNDRED) enemy
soldiers in this film, Violet does little more than blink at 799 of
them on the way to their deaths (naturally, it takes her a little
more time to dispose of the doctor/professional killer).
Mowing through bad guys without any trouble is just boring to watch,
so oftentimes you will be yawning as Violet fires a dozen rounds
from her automatic machine pistols and takes out 50 guys.
She didn't even fire enough rounds to
kill all of the bad guys with one shot each
but the film doesn't take the time to
explain how she could have done it. Or why all of the bad guys
have such a hard time hitting Violet with any gunfire. Or why
they inexplicably spend time not shooting at her. Or why 30
guys have her surrounded only to watch those 30 guys all kill each
other without hitting Violet.
And so on. The scenes in-between
Violet killing a lot of people feature her trying to win the
affection of the little boy that is at the center of all this
action, and those scenes fall flat on their face throughout.
Fucking shit! The film's special effects want to be some mix
of "Sin City" and
"The Matrix", but for some reason they fail miserably; forgetting
the fact that at times, the storyline allows for completely
ridiculous logic (like when Violet is riding UP a glass building and
hugging the terrain despite being back-heavy on her motorcycle),
"Ultraviolet" just doesn't look like a patiently put-together action
film. If it's a rush job and it's awful, why not just dump it
into August, when it will die the same death it has already died in
the box office?
The music fucking sucked. The Bill
Fichtner cameo sucked. Chinlund, as our main bad guy, sucked.
Even Jovovich wasn't great, and in this PG-13 environment, she isn't
even allowed to really kill anybody, you know, fucking bury
anybody...it's all that soft, vanilla, bloodless violence where
people get shot or stabbed with swords and amazingly have clean
white clothes on as a result. The last battle sucked, much
like the last battle from "Equilibrium"; ugh, what a fucking dog.
"Ultraviolet" didn't even have the traditional
good-review-from-no-name-critic comments on its ad in last Sunday's
paper, like "Joe Smith of KNVR-TV in Milwaukee claims:
'Ultraviolet' is ultra-cool!!" or some bullshit like that.
Wow, this was bad. Which, for some of
you, will mean that you will run out and see it just to confirm how
bad this one really is.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard