Directed by Olivier Megaton.
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen.
Starring Jason Statham, Natalya Rudakova, and Robert Knepper.
Release Year: 2008
Review Date: 12/2/08
I don't think I have ever seen Gordon "The
Professional" Stokes this angry.
As is my custom, I sat through the end
credits of "Transporter 3" asking questions to see what he thought
about the movie. And, it wasn't that he didn't just not like
this movie...no, he fucking hated it. But, it was the
passion with which he described how angry he was that made me
wince; damn, I thought, this is the kind of thing that
leads people to drive home angry and "accidentally" run over small
Make no mistake, friends--the first
"Transporter" film was escapist
entertainment, ridiculous, watchable, mildly amusing, good action
sequences. "Transporter 2"
was bad, but it has maybe three scenes that absolutely must be
watched to appreciate how far movies can take the term "extreme
action." While that sequel was bad, it was the kind of bad
that was fun-bad, like any cheesy action movie that has stuff so
silly you just have to believe the people who made the movie
know what we know, that this horseshit is crazy.
In "Transporter 3", our man Frank Martin is
back. Martin (Jason Statham) is a former Special Forces guy
who now goes fishing for fun, but he is dragged back into a life of
driving Audis for cash when an American "consultant" (Robert Knepper)
kidnaps Frank and forces him to drive a woman named Valentina
(Natalya Rudakova) all over Europe in order to force an
environmental official (Jeroen Krabbé) to sign paperwork that would
allow eight tankers to drop hazardous materials in a bay near the
Ukraine. I think.
Oh, and one other thing--the "consultant"
has rigged Frank's Audi with a sensor that will make explosives go
off in a bracelet that Frank and Valentina are wearing IF either of
them goes 75 feet away from the car. The logic of this is
great, but it would have been better if, say, any of the filmmakers
paid attention to how far 75 feet really is.
The film is flat-out awful. The action
scenes fucking suck--fight scenes in this film and many others mimic
the seasickness I experienced watching Jason Bourne fight anyone in
any of those films--and the girl is absolutely atrocious.
Rudakova is such a poor actress that she makes her scenes tough to
stomach; that, and she wasn't that sexy to me, but she is made out
to be damn near the sexiest thing that Martin has ever seen.
The soundtrack features good music in the wrong order (other
"Transporter" films had similar problems; this appears to be a Luc
Besson thing); beautiful scenery is so underpopulated that it
looks...like...someone is shooting a movie on open roads.
(Imagine that!) There are long stretches where we are forced
to watch Frank talk to Valentina, not my idea of good times; Statham
is still fun to watch in action but even he looks bored with this
"Transporter 3" is bad, bad shit...I still
can't believe that no one has offered Statham the keys to a "Matrix"
or "Die Hard"-like franchise, because the guy's got charisma.
As such, I'll have to keep enjoying him in shitastic films like this
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard