"The Transporter 2"
Directed by Louis Leterrier.
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen.
Starring Jason Statham.
Release Year: 2005
Review Date: 9/5/05
Some things change, and some things stay the
same, right? No sane man would expect that "The Transporter 2"
to be any better than "The Transporter"...and,
that would be an accurate statement. Unfortunately, the sequel
is a little bit worse than the original, due to even more
insanely-perfect coincidences and even less of a story this
At least it runs quickly. This time,
our man Frank Martin (Jason Statham)--former Special
Forces-turned-chauffeur-for-hire--is hired by a family living in
Miami to drive their child to-and-from school every day while the
normal driver is out on vacation. The family needs this
service because they are an Important American Family, featuring an
unhappy couple (Amber Valletta, from
"Hitch", and Matthew
Modine, from...the fuckin' grave, he's been out of relevant films
for so long) and an Important Government Job, since the father is
the nation's leading drug czar. Sure, I too wondered why the
government didn't drive an armed caravan to pick up the child each
day from school, rather than have the former Special Forces badass
do it...but, that's just me.
Regardless, the kid is kidnapped by the bad
guys and, since it happens on Martin's watch, he makes good on his
promise to attempt to rescue the child from the kidnappers, led by a
horribly-bad-toothed Colombian contractor (Alessandro Gassman) and
his girlfriend, a gun-toting blonde named Lola (Kate Nauta).
Martin does his best to look unaffected by repeated attempts on his
life, taking out the Colombian's thugs by any means necessary,
usually involving hand-to-hand or hand-to-fire-hose combat. He
mows through almost all of these baddies without even batting an
eye, which just makes the combat repetitive, because he never faces
any real challenge until his finale with the bad teeth guy.
The driving sequences are well-done but constantly ridiculous; the
money shot of the film comes as Martin attempts to remove a bomb
from the underside of his nearly-indestructible Audi by...well, you
just need to see it to believe it. Trust me when I say that it
had people in my audience howling, this was so unbelievable.
But, then again, much of "The Transporter 2"
is just that--completely and totally unbelievably ridiculously bad,
but very watchable in its badness thanks to the stunning
watchability of Statham, who makes eating breakfast an intriguing
character study. When will he get the shot to actually star in
good films? He can't appear in a Guy Ritchie film every year,
even if he is starring in one this year ("Revolver").
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard