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"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning"

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman.
Written by Sheldon Turner.
Starring Jordana Brewster, Andrew Bryniarski and R. Lee Ermey.
Release Year:  2006

Review Date:  10/4/06


Look, I won't lie--I had a good time during the remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" three years ago; the shit wasn't good, but it didn't stink!  Here, in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning", even the free ticket I had for this wasn't enough to save it from the ultimate low:  Hard Vice.

A piece of shit in every way and then ridiculously nasty all the way through, the film stars Jordana Brewster (who realized after "The Fast and the Furious" that she has no recognizable talent) and a few other folks as People Who Are Tormented by Leatherface, this time around played by Andrew Bryniarski.  Since this is supposed to be "The Beginning", we see why it is that Leatherface likes mutilating innocent people and then cutting them up with his chainsaw--because he was a deformed child who some thought might be retarded!!  Many people die, mostly violently, and then you will walk out of the theater wondering why a few parents brought their six-year-olds to a 10 PM free showing on a fucking Tuesday.

Note about America's parents:  in general, America's parents seem like smart, sensible people.  Or, at the very least, people that would not bring their six-year-olds to a movie called "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", no matter what the fucking thing is rated.  By the time one character is having his arms skinned completely bare of their flesh (before getting chainsawed through the gut), I was leaning over to my friend Danielle--Ross and Anne were also chewing the fat--and saying "I'll bet Mom is sure glad she brought the kids tonight to watch people get chopped the fuck up."  Seriously, why the fuck do parents pull this shit?  My mom took me to see my first R-rated movie when I was 12 years old, and from what I remember, I got to see roughly one R-rated action film a year.  In "The Running Man", a few folks die badly, but mostly, it's action violence, nothing truly perverse or insane.  Certainly, not a movie where a woman gets pulled out of her car by a meat cleaver or a movie where the bad guy makes a habit of ripping the skin of people's faces off and wearing it around like a mask.

But hey, that's just me.  Fucking stupid-ass fucking people.  Maybe I'm really angry only because the movie sucked, but I'm sure that part of this is pointed at the fact that some parents really fuckin' blow.

Rating:  Hard Vice


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Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)

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The "fine print":
All material by Justin Elliot Bell for SMR/Bellview/ except where noted
1999-2009 Justin Elliot Bell This site was last updated 01/08/09