"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman.
Written by Sheldon Turner.
Starring Jordana Brewster, Andrew Bryniarski and R. Lee Ermey.
Release Year: 2006
Review Date: 10/4/06
Look, I won't lie--I had a good time during
the remake of "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre" three years ago; the shit wasn't good, but it
didn't stink! Here, in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The
Beginning", even the free ticket I had for this wasn't enough to
save it from the ultimate low: Hard Vice.
A piece of shit in every way and then
ridiculously nasty all the way through, the film stars Jordana
Brewster (who realized after
Fast and the Furious" that she has no recognizable talent) and a
few other folks as People Who Are Tormented by Leatherface, this
time around played by Andrew Bryniarski. Since this is
supposed to be "The Beginning", we see why it is that Leatherface
likes mutilating innocent people and then cutting them up with
his chainsaw--because he was a deformed child who some thought might be
retarded!! Many people die, mostly violently, and then you
will walk out of the theater wondering why a few parents brought
their six-year-olds to a 10 PM free showing on a fucking Tuesday.
Note about America's parents: in
general, America's parents seem like smart, sensible people.
Or, at the very least, people that would not bring their
six-year-olds to a movie called "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", no
matter what the fucking thing is rated. By the time one
character is having his arms skinned completely bare of their flesh
(before getting chainsawed through the gut), I was leaning over to
my friend Danielle--Ross and Anne were also chewing the fat--and
saying "I'll bet Mom is sure glad she brought the kids tonight to
watch people get chopped the fuck up." Seriously, why the fuck
do parents pull this shit? My mom took me to see my first
R-rated movie when I was 12 years old, and from what I remember, I
got to see roughly one R-rated action film a year. In "The
Running Man", a few folks die badly, but mostly, it's action
violence, nothing truly perverse or insane. Certainly, not a
movie where a woman gets pulled out of her car by a meat cleaver or
a movie where the bad guy makes a habit of ripping the skin of
people's faces off and wearing it around like a mask.
But hey, that's just me. Fucking
stupid-ass fucking people. Maybe I'm really angry only because
the movie sucked, but I'm sure that part of this is pointed at the
fact that some parents really fuckin' blow.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard