Directed by Doug Pray.
Written by Doug Pray.
Release Year: 2008
Review Date: 6/11/08
So, here's the movie--legendary surfer guy
has nine kids, likes to walk around naked at 85 years old, went
through women like water for years before settling down, and likes
to wax poetic about eating pussy. (Yes, the movie has a two-
or three-minute segment where our "hero" talks about eating pussy.
Trust me, even though the movie is generally blah, this will be a
wake-up call even if you are fading while watching this movie!)
Now, in the separate worlds of surfing
documentaries, fucked-up family documentaries, sex-talk
documentaries or old-people documentaries, "Surfwise" is not very
good at any of these genres...worse, it's not that good as a
standalone feature doc that combines sex-loving, fucked-up-family,
old people-loving surfers. Its energy comes solely from the
wacko Dorian "Doc" Paskowitz, a man who clearly would be fun to live
as, or even like, but outside of our man "Doc", we don't get much
from our supporting cast (mainly interviews with the other family
members) and even at 93 minutes, it is interminably long, sad
because that is actually a short run time but so little is going on,
you can't wait to hop out of the theater.
Surfing footage--essentially non-existent.
Surfing legend interview confirmations--plentiful, but the movie
really doesn't need to establish Doc's greatness on the waves...this
is a family comedy/drama profile, so all we need to do is see him in
his element. The family members that aren't Doc--boring.
Naturally, many of them have not hung out together for years, so all
of this is just a build-up to a big family reunion at the
Why the hell did I go see this movie?
Because my buddy Yac and I love seeing movies, and we collectively
blew it in watching this film. Even now, two days later,
nothing noteworthy comes to mind about it and I will waste no more
time talking about it!!!
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard