"Shrek the Third"
Directed by Chris Miller and Raman Hui.
Written by Andrew Adamson, Howard Gould, Jeffrey Price, Peter S.
Seaman, J. David Stem, Jon Zack and David
N. Weiss. Based on source material by William Steig.
Starring the voices of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and
Release Year: 2007
Review Date: 5/21/07
What more can you say after watching the
third iteration of "Shrek", made only to make money and taking
nothing good from the first two films to make a third film worth
watching, at least for the adults? I'm tempted to say this is
Hard Vice material, but there are just enough laughs scattered
throughout this film to lift it out of the gutter.
What's the best thing I can say about "Shrek
the Third"?? It wasn't nearly as bad, or as fucking long, as
"Spider-Man 3." For that, I
must thank all involved for at least not making this shit
two-and-a-half hours long.
I have always thought one thing about great
movies--by and large, the best movies are written and directed by
one person. They might have scripts based on books or other
forms of source material, but one person takes that idea, writes a
script, then directs from that script. On rare occasion, the
original author of that source material writes the screenplay, and
works with a director that makes it beautiful...something like "The
Godfather", for example.
I mention this because with "Shrek the
Third"--certainly a film that never aspires to greatness, for better
or worse--there are at least two credited directors and there are a
whopping seven credited screenwriters...and, any time you work with
either Mike Myers or Eddie Murphy, they consistently will ad lib
their lines for films so you can lop those two on top of the seven
writers. Too many cooks in the kitchen? Yeah, you might
say that...and, the result shows up onscreen, with "Shrek the Third"
being so utterly random I don't have a clue how any of the 20 major
stars who have lines in this film could keep this shit straight.
This film is so big that Ian McShane, the brilliant actor who plays
Al Swearengen from "Deadwood", has like four lines as Captain
Hook...the casting budget alone for this puppy must have been like
All put together, "Shrek the Third" is a
mess. Shrek (Myers), who ironically is barely in this film, is
suffering because he hates serving as royalty of his kingdom
(Happily Ever After, I think) and doesn't want to be king...so, when
his wife Fiona (Cameron Diaz, also in the backseat for this film)
tells Shrek she's pregnant, he sulks off with buddies Donkey
(Murphy) and Puss N' Boots (Antonio Banderas) to retrieve the other
heir to the throne, Fiona's nephew (or brother, or something) Artie,
voiced by Justin Timberlake. They must get back to town before
the nefarious Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) takes over town with
all of the evil characters Shrek has nipped over the
I don't even want to write about this
horseshit anymore. Third-segment sequels are off to a bad
start, and with the next "Pirates" movie coming Friday, expect more
of the same.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard