Directed by Gabriele Muccino.
Written by Grant Nieporte.
Starring Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Barry Pepper and Woody
Release Year: 2008
Review Date: 12/20/08
Friends, know this--my fiancée, Meg, a
beacon of hope in this world, loves everything, even the worst of
the worst, a little, and I have never heard her badmouth anything or
anyone without a pretty significant amount of prodding.
However, as we were leaving the theater
yesterday having viewed an afternoon matinee of "Seven Pounds",
here's what she had to say:
"Yeah...THAT was a Hard Vice."
Meg Cooch, kind soul, couldn't even muster a
Rental out of this complete piece of shit movie. Here is all
that is important to talk about when it comes to this movie:
Nothing about "Seven Pounds" addresses
Will Smith fans, odd, given that he only makes movies to make
The movie is so poorly told from a story
perspective that you almost won't believe that Smith worked with
this same director to make the great
"The Pursuit of Happyness."
The film's title seems to address seven
pounds kind of like "pound for a pound", like the old saying
goes that you'd give a pound of flesh for every sin you have
committed. With that in mind, you will howl to discover
(SPOILER, kinda) that the movie should have really been called
"Six Pounds...and a Beach House." No, I'm not kidding, and
I almost can't believe no one is talking about this.
"Seven Pounds" is actually worse than
"Hancock"; in fact,
looking at Smith's only other universally-panned films,
"The Legend of Bagger Vance", I think over time we will see that
"Seven Pounds" is the worst of them all. (Maybe. "Bagger
Vance" is truly fucking atrocious; at least "WWW" had a decent
soundtrack.) Ugh. If this film makes big dough ($100
million or more), you would have to say that Smith might be the
greatest Movie Star of our era...even with Tom Cruise or Harrison
Ford, they were not able to make their bad films make big dough
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard