Directed by Wes Craven.
Written by Ehren Kruger.
Starring Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courtney Cox.
Release Year: 2000
Review Date: 2/6/00
Hope that everyone had a good weekend...this
week, we start off by addressing the Kozmo.com situation. As many
of you know, Brian "Schmoove" Prenoveau and I have been sweating
Kozmo for some time now for their seemingly ridiculous $9.99 CD
prices. Well, an extremely distressed Schmoove left a message on my
machine last week letting me know for sure: it's over. He found
out that the $9.99 prices were promotional and went for a few
months, but ended January 31st, 2000. If you never checked out the
site before now, shame on you, because you missed out on a great
deal. But, they still have pretty good prices on their other
products...and, they still deliver them to your door in less than
While I did go see a movie today with the
lovely and mysterious Kristin "Not Kristen" Hollingsworth, there is
a more distressing trend that I am going to address today. I won't
even go into what "Scream 3" is about: you probably have a vague
idea of what happens during it, even if you haven't seen the first
two. And, this third (and final) movie in the series does a
manageable job of once again playing off all of the stereotypes that
horror movies seem to rely on. Lots of slashing deaths and a pretty
consistent stream of profanity litter its 116 minutes of fun--you'll
have a good time but the movie is so been there, done that it
becomes monotonous to hear each character announce that in horror
movies, their type of character always gets killed...and then,
watching them get killed. Neve Campbell, David Arquette and
Courtney Cox Arquette are all back in this movie, and the only
suspense in my mind was whether or not David Arquette's goofy cop
was going to get killed for so many fucking awful
10-10-800-287-9000-321-Collect commercials that he does in his spare
time (it gives nothing away to say that he doesn't). This movie was
a step above "Scream 2," which both Kristin and I thought was the
worst of the three. It also includes the use of this line, which
has now been said in over 4000 motion pictures during the 1990s:
"It was the 70s, man...everything was just
different back then."
Alex, could I get "clichés" for $200?
Apparently, every one alive during the 70s was outside at about 8:30
pm each night, having sex with four of their neighbors with a joint
in one hand and two ABBA records in the other, dancing at Studio 54
waiting in line to see "Saturday Night Fever." Jeez...
Anyway, the thing that really angered me
about "Scream 3" wasn't the movie, but the four young children I saw
in the audience after the movie. Regular readers of Bellview know
that I harp on this periodically, but today I would have approached
one of the parents had Kristin not been with me. As it was, I just
stared down one of the fathers that had two small boys with him (I'm
*assuming* it was their father), slightly shaking my head. I was
thinking to myself how the conversation must have went with the boys
earlier in the day when they were deciding what to do with their
Dad: Well, boys, any ideas for
Bobby: Dad, can we go see "Scream 3?"
Dad: Hmm...hey, isn't that the slasher flick with that
knife-wielding killer and doesn't he kill a lot of
heavily-endowed 25-year-old women?
Timmy: Umm, yeah, that one!
Dad: And, aren't there a lot of shots of knives plunging
into the chests of the killer's victims? I think I saw the
first one...that scene with Drew Barrymore where she gets
stabbed like seven times, doesn't die, then gets stabbed four
more times and then is left to bleed to death while hanging from
Bobby and Timmy: YEAH!
Dad: That is so boss! Let's go, kids! And after the
movie...we're gonna get hookers!!
Bobby and Timmy: WOO-HOO!
If this is what parenting is about these
days, I don't think I want to bring kids into the world anytime
soon. I know our world is going to hell in a handbasket any day
now, but there's no need to speed up the process by taking little
kids to see horror films. Talk about nightmares...I still have
nightmares now about "Poltergeist,"
"The Exorcist," that last scene
in "The Blair Witch Project," "Jacob's Ladder"--I saw all of those
movie in high school or later! "Scream 3" is mostly played for
laughs, but I didn't think the scene where one of the guys is
stabbed in the neck three times was all that funny.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard