"The Ring Two"
Directed by Hideo Nakata ("Ringu", "Ringu 2").
Written by Ehren Kruger. Based on the book "Ringu" by Kôji
Starring Naomi Watts, David Dorfman, Simon Baker and Sissy Spacek.
Release Year: 2005
Review Date: 3/26/05
I won't lie to you--I was really trying to
not see "The Ring Two." But, it was the last 1-something
showing this afternoon after I came out of the gym, and I wanted to
see a flick before watching basketball all day...so, I had to.
As it was, I wanted to walk out of this piece of shit after half an
hour...but, when I realized I really had nothing else to do, I stuck
it out only for the thing to get marginally better.
In the first film,
"The Ring", a suspicious
VHS tape has a strange aftereffect--anyone that watches the
two-minute spookfest tends to die exactly seven days after watching
it. So, after a single mom named Rachel (Naomi Watts) lets the
tape get into the hands of her son Aidan (David Dorfman), Aidan
watches it, giving him seven days to die...UNLESS someone else
watches the film within that same seven days, which transfers the
death sentence on to that person. Needless to say, Rachel
saves her boy's life, but because a copy of the tape was made,
people keep showing up dead...which brings us to the sequel, where
Rachel learns of a teen death at the hands of the tape. She
goes to the dead guy's house, retrieves the tape and burns
it...which SHOULD have ended the saga right there. But,
spookiness reigns supreme, allowing the dead girl in the video to
wreak havoc once again in the real world.
Here's my thing about this franchise--would
it hurt to explain even a little of the logic behind how a
videocassette can make the walls churn out dark water, make a little
girl crawl through a television and inhabit the bodies of people in
the real world? I thought "The Ring" was so-so, but it takes a
turn for the worse in "The Ring Two" because after the final
cassette is burned in the first 15 minutes, the thing shoulda been
over. So, how does the girl keep showing up on TVs wherever
Rachel and Aidan are sitting? There's no fucking tape anymore!
How does the dead girl make a group of deer attack Rachel's car in
one strange sequence? How does the dead girl cut the power to
everything but the TV? How does the dead girl use her powers
to make other humans move like rag dolls to her commands?
How, dammit? I'm not looking for a
manual on how all this works, but the fundamental problem about this
sequel is that the reason we are s'posed to be scared is because
this girl is able to just float through the world to her heart's
delight? There are almost no reasons to be scared of something
I don't get, or her motives save for her lack of a mother really
don't make me all scared-y-cat.
Watts does her best to look interested in
this nonsense, and once again, Dorfman as the wacko kid Aidan does
the deed as a kid that looks like he is probably insane. And,
the production (set somewhere in the state of Washington, maybe) is
attractive, the special effects look good enough, on and on.
This PG-13 horror category is crowded, though, and with not nearly
enough spookiness, not nearly enough kills, and a story that takes
almost two hours to play out (I would have cut at least 20 minutes
out of this nonsense), "The Ring Two" does nothing to distinguish
itself from any of the other horseshit I have had to sit through
over the last two or three years...and, with "Red Eye", "Dark
Water", and plenty of other films in this genre coming down the
pipe, "The Ring Two" is amazingly forgettable.
Honestly, someone counsel me on why I
continue to take this kind of punishment!
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard