Directed by Stephen Hopkins.
Written by Carey Hayes and Chad Hayes.
Starring Hilary Swank, David Morrissey, Idris Elba and Annasophia
Release Year: 2007
Review Date: 4/5/07
Holy fucking SHIT, "The Reaping" is bad!!
Courtesy of a freebie last night down in
Georgetown, I decided to hop over to the multiplex to see this new
Hilary Swank thriller because the trailer looked reasonable and it
had Idris Elba, one of the many talents from "The Wire" a few years
back. I figured, how bad can this PG-13 "horror" flick be?
Holy fucking SHIT, "The Reaping" is bad!!
purveyor-of-faith-turned-non-believer-investigator Katherine Winter,
a woman who has shown up to prove 48 supposed "miracles" in a row to
be nothing more than science-based anomalies...after losing her
daughter to a religious sacrificial cult ceremony many years ago,
Katherine basically said fuck you, religion and went off to become a
world-renowned scientist who now teaches at LSU. At one of her
classes, a local man named Doug (David Morrissey) asks Katherine and
her partner, Ben (Elba), to come investigate a minor problem they
are having in the small town of nearby Haven, Louisiana--the town's
major river appears to have turned completely to blood and a
12-year-old girl (Annasophia Robb) appears to be the spawn of the
Strangely uninteresting from almost the
beginning, "The Reaping" suffers from just a few minor issues:
Swank, now a two-time Oscar winner, is
WAY overqualified for this fucking shitastic script. She
appears as bored as her audience eventually gets; I feel like I
recognize this quality in actors so much now that it is
beginning to affect how I watch the film from the jump.
(This is also why I am frightened about the upcoming "Die Hard"
film; it can't be just me that Willis looks utterly comatose in
the ads AND in the poster.)
Morrissey is fucking atrocious, and
worse, he seems to be attempting to play a Southerner...you're
telling me that the best the producers could do was hire a Brit
to play a Cajun? Were there no actual fucking Southerners
"The Reaping" just comes across as being
devoid of energy; the camerawork attempts to make up for some of
this by being whipped around every which way for no good reason
throughout the film, but otherwise, the scares are not
noteworthy in the slightest.
The writing for this movie gets so funny
at times that as the various "signs" that the devil is in fact
upon us and the Swank character becomes more and more convinced
that maybe something is going on here, you just wait to see how
the next formerly kind Southerner will get it on the way to a
showdown between Swank and whoever the fucking devil is.
And, as the only black guy in the movie, you just KNOW that
Elba's gonna get it, but when you find out how, you are severely
All of these put together led some people in
my screening last night literally leave the theater three-quarters
of the way through. Two people sitting to my left exited the
theater during what you KNOW is the end sequence, they were so fed
up with this fucking drivel. Usually, if you are gonna leave a
freebie early, you do it early on, like say half an hour into it;
no, last night, people actually stuck with this thing, knowing that
it was catshit but deciding "Shit, you know what? I didn't
actually pay to see this, so let's just play it out and see what
Sadly, nothing ever does. Still, this
might make $10-15 million in its first weekend, because people love
Swank so much.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard