Directed by Nicholas Jasenovec.
Written by Nicholas Jasenovec and Charlene Yi.
Starring Charlyne Yi, Michael Cera and Jake Johnson.
Release Year: 2009
Review Date: 8/16/09
Classic case of unlucky this morning...I
woke up about ten minutes late, so after doing some morning errands
I couldn't squeeze into a 10:15 show of "Thirst" (what I had really
wanted to see) so I had to settle for a 10:45 showing of "Paper
Heart." Reviews for "Thirst"?? Excellent. "Paper
Heart"?? I'm not sure about the reviews, but me and the other
poor soul sitting at the theater this morning both thought the same
Fucking piece of shit.
Here's an idea--let's do a movie starring
The King of Awkward, Michael Cera, where he meets and begins dating
The New Queen of Awkward, Charlyne Yi (no idea who this woman is,
but here's to hoping she never gets to make another film ever
again), while the Queen is making a road-trip documentary about love
with a director named Nick (Jake Johnson) who sees an opportunity to
make a great adventure about of Queen's love affair with King.
To spice things up, we'll make it look like it really IS a
documentary, featuring the REAL Michael Cera and the REAL Charlyne
Yi. And...we'll have the director be played by an actor?
And...we'll pretend that two comedy stars would ever allow a film
crew to follow their every move? And...we won't be annoyed by
how unbelievably annoying Cera is...matched only by how unbelievably
annoying Yi is????
Wow, this drivel made me shake my head for
nearly all of its 90-minute running time. I need to do some
research on this...but, does anyone think Yi is funny? She
appears to be a real-life comic, but I'm not sure how that's
possible if you aren't even funny during the scenes where you are
doing stand-up comedy!!! Cera is really beginning to shock me
here; he even looks like he walked right off of the
"Superbad" set and
kept his red, blue, black, yellow, green, and every other color
zip-up hoodie and decided it'd be cool to wear those all throughout
"Paper Heart" while playing himself. Doesn't the dude get
BORED of always playing himself???
The movie has a couple of moments where
long-time couples talk about love and what they think it is, or a
semi-cute scene where some kids in Atlanta talk about love from the
kid perspective. Okay, not bad. Too bad the movie wasn't
just scenes like that, not the Yi/Cera business or silly paper
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard