Directed by Fabián Bielinsky.
Written by Fabián Bielinsky.
Starring Ricardo Darin and Gaston Pauls.
Release Year: 2000
Review Date: 5/13/02
Hey, when you are trying to see 100 films in
just 12 months, you gotta make some sacrifices. For me, that means
seeing films that look interesting to me even if I know that only
about 15 folks on “the list” will even bother reading this review.
So, how can I make this sexy? Appealing? Noteworthy? Funny?
That’s tough when the film I go to see is
just average. So, we’ll break this into two distinct parts:
First off, let me say thank the good Lord
above for people like Tchaka Owen. I’ve known Tchaka now for three
years, and much like me, one thing Tchaka doesn’t do is fuck
around. So, always the attentive listener (at least, to me...I
can’t speak to his listening abilities to other friends), Tchaka
gave me a call while he was in Indianapolis a couple of weeks ago.
Why? Because he knew that one of my favorite restaurants was in
Indianapolis: Long’s Donuts, the best donut shop in the nation.
So, he called to get a location from me, so that he could check it
He did so, and then he did one better: he
somehow tracked down my work address and sent me a FedEx Pak of six
Long’s glazed donuts for my enjoyment. Yes,
SOMEONE SHIPPED ME FUCKING DONUTS IN A FEDEX
So, to recap the last fifteen months: I
have been sent steaks, burgers, donuts and bacon. TELL ME your life
is better, and I’ll slap you across the chops like the bastard
stepchild that you are. Tchaka, dammit, I love you!
“Nine Queens” is an Argentinean film from
2000 that opened here in San Francisco this past weekend, so I
figured, WTF? I’ll hang out! The story revolves around a veteran
small-time crook named Marcos (Ricardo Darin) and Juan (Gaston Pauls),
a rookie small-timer that Marcos meets one day while Juan is trying
to scam some money at a convenience store. Desperately in need of a
partner, Marcos recruits Juan for just this one day, to try and sell
valuable stamps known as the Nine Queens, a set of 1920’s stamps
that are worth half a million dollars. But, this is a
crooks-and-thieves flick, so double- and triple-crosses are the name
of the game as the plot keeps you guessing at who will end up with
all that dough.
“Nine Queens” suffers from a winding plot
that is more likely to bore you than to really get your juices
flowing; also, a key plot point early in the film involving
consistencies with Juan’s character might clue you into what will
happen later if you are sharp. The acting by the leads is pretty
good, even if they don’t seem to have enough to do...and, the lack
of a score makes “Nine Queens” way too quiet for a supposedly
fast-moving heist film. Even the crimes that the twosome pulls off
in the first half-hour aren’t all that interesting...despite the
fact that you probably haven’t seen them tried in a movie before.
So-so. But, if you are in desperate need of
an Argentinean film, this might be great for you!!
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard