"The Mummy Returns"
Directed by Stephen Sommers.
Written by Stephen Sommers.
Starring Brendan Fraser, Oded Fehr, Rachel Weisz and The Rock.
Release Year: 2001
Review Date: 5/7/01
Sunday afternoon, I rounded up a guy posse
of my brother Dave, Gordon "Money" Stokes and Keith "I won $1500 on
the Derby" Karem and hit the sequel to the 1999 adventure "The
Mummy." Not being ones to mess around, we decided to see it at the
Uptown, for my money DC's best theater. Huge screen, huger (a
word? Doubt it) speakers and a special effects-laden film mean the
Uptown every time.
After getting treated to six
previews--including the truly incredible computer animation of the
upcoming "Final Fantasy" film--the damn thing finally started. Did
you see the first movie? A piece of shit, if ever there was one. I
gave the first one a Rental, only because of Oded Fehr (the gigolo
from Rob Schneider's
"Deuce Bigalow") and its pretty cool special
effects. The story in the first one was awful, the dialogue was
written by a child, and Brendan Fraser was...well, Brendan Fraser.
Let's sidetrack for just a second here. All
four of us were sitting in the theater before this movie started,
and we were trying to think of one good Brendan Fraser movie. We
couldn't do it! Why is Brendan Fraser still working in Hollywood?
He doesn't seem to be good at *anything*!! Remember, just a month
ago, he starred in Tim Burton's "Monkeybone." Haven't heard of it?
Exactly--it was only out for a week. A WEEK. Let's go back a
little further. "Bedazzled"..."Dudley Do-Right"..."George of the
Jungle"..."Blast from the Past."
And, he made like $10 million to be in "The
Mummy Returns"! Man, I gotta change careers.
Okay, so back to the movie. Let me cut
right to it: The Rock is an absolute bad ass in this film. As The
Scorpion King, he whoops ass and screams with real authority. In
fact, I was looking forward to a big Fraser/Rock showdown at the end
of this film...oh, except for the fact that The Rock is in exactly
one scene. That's right, kids: The Rock is only in "The Mummy
Returns" for about three minutes, all at the beginning.
From there, Fraser--reprising his role as
the adventurous Rick--is left to carry the film with Rachel Weisz
("Enemy at the Gates"), Patricia Velazquez, Fehr and Arnold Vosloo
as The Mummy. Although the cast is very handsome, they can't act to
save their lives, but luckily, the movie's incredible special
effects come to the rescue. The multitude of special effects shots
and some pretty cool action sequences make this a pretty worthwhile
theater experience, but if you don't see it in the theater, you can
forget about renting it, because the scenes interspersed between car
chases, shootouts and swordfights are horrible and might possibly
put you to sleep faster than you can say "golf tournament."
Example (and, you only need one): Rick and
Evie (Weisz)--now married after falling in love in the first "Mummy"
film--have a child named Alex (Freddie Boath), who has this
mysterious bracelet that won't come off until sunrise seven days
after he puts it on...assuming he gets to the palace of The Scorpion
King in time. So naturally, it comes down to the last second, and
Rick has to carry Alex to the palace just before sunrise. So, what
happens? Rick literally outruns the fucking sunrise--the fucking
sunrise!!!--to get Alex into the palace just in time. You have to
see this sequence to get the full gist of this, but it had all of
the people in my group laughing hysterically.
But, let's face it--"The Mummy Returns" is
the only movie out right now; in fact, this past weekend, if you
went to see a movie, there is a 69% chance that you saw this film,
and it made over $70 million in the processódouble what the other
nine films in the top ten made *combined*. My advice? The same it
has been for the past month: go and see "Memento." I can honestly
say, for the first time, that not one person has come back to me and
said they didn't like it. Check it out...
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard