Directed by James Isaac.
Written by Todd Farmer.
Starring Kane Hodder.
Release Year: 2001
Review Date: 4/29/02
Don’t worry, I haven’t died; I went to see a
lot of films last week, but they were all films shown at the SF
International Film Festival going on now through May 2nd. So, I’ll
be sending out an update of those films tomorrow.
In the meantime, let me preface this review
of a film that I am 104% positive none of you saw this past
weekend. I joined up with a Sunday night film group over a month
ago and so far, we have only gone to see great, artsy-like films or
films that were very well-reviewed prior to our choosing them for
our film. For this Sunday’s pick, I suggested to our group leader
that we just relax and see something that might really be bad,
because I find that some of the worst films are some of the best for
discussion. So, he bought into my idea, and both of us decided that
“Jason X” would REALLY be a great choice for our first bad film.
And, as such, “Jason X” didn’t quite deliver
the goods...because it actually wasn’t bad!!
THAT’S IT. YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN, I’M SICK OF
YOUR BULLSHIT. I SAW THE PREVIEW FOR THIS MOVIE AND IT LOOKED LIKE
A CLASSIC P.O.S. DUNG. MANURE. MY FRIEND IACOVONE’S CAR. WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, “WASN’T BAD”?
Listen, man, hear me out on this one. You
come into a film like this—the TENTH of the “Friday the 13th”
series—and, you know you aren’t getting “The Godfather.” None of
the actors are named Brando, Olivier, Poitier, or Hepburn. It’s not
a big-budget film with overblown salaries and egotistical
directors. You know what you are getting is an anniversary film of
sorts that tries to go decidedly tongue-in-cheek and deliver cheesy
lines, gratuitous female nudity, horrific bloody violence and
one-liners written by schoolchildren.
And man, do you get that!
As a by-the-numbers horror movie, you get it
One by one, members of a space crew that
pick up Jason from a cryogen cell in 2455 get, well, picked
off. And, when they do and the news is reported back to those
still alive, it is delivered with so much cheese you might as
well be eating at The Melting Pot. An unfortunate soldier gets
tossed onto a large corkscrew, and his death is reported as “He
got screwed.” Etc.
Twenty minutes into the film, sexy coeds
get frisky and give us the impression that they are about to
have sex...until HE shows up.
Although he is a lumbering, fat, beat
down mask-wearing fiend, Jason seems to move ridiculously fast
when no one’s looking. He also gives us just enough time to see
his large butcher knife before delivering a death blow.
Although the crew numbers about 20
people, only two are minorities, both are black...and, you KNOW
what happens to them. At least they don’t bite it first.
And, even with the formula in place, “Jason
X” still delivers good, funny bad-movie entertainment. You’ll be
shaking your head, but laughing at the nonsense anyway. There is a
justifiably great scene near the end of the film, where Jason
stumbles upon two hot women that, for no reason at all, take off
their shirts...and, the way the writers make fun of the series in
just this one scene is almost worth the rental price of this film
when it comes out on video ALONE. And, you have to listen for it,
but at one point a character makes reference to a weapon called a
BFG...which, for video game fans, is all you need to hear.
Even without seeing it, I can tell you this
is better than that crappy Cameron Diaz movie anyway!
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard