Directed by Carlos Saldanha and Chris Wedge.
Written by Michael Berg, Michael J. Wilson and Peter
Starring the voices of Ray Romano, John Leguizamo and Denis
Release Year: 2002
Review Date: 3/21/02
I went to see "Ice Age" because I refuse to
miss movies that make $44 million in their first weekend.
And, I LIKE watching piece-of-shit
non-Disney cartoon fare!
Seriously, this movie is bad. Let me lay
this out to you quickly:
1. Shorter than "Passenger 57"
For my money, the shortest film in the
history of time is this Wesley Snipes thriller, which clocks in
around 78 minutes but somehow, when it is shown on network TV every
year, seems to actually get *shorter* because so much is taken out
for ratings purposes. But, "Ice Age" times out to about 70
minutes. I went to a 5:20 show, and at 6:50, I was walking out of
the theater. Remember, the movie always starts a minute or two
later than the time it is supposed to, then you have to add a
mountain of trailers and commercials. Hell, were it not for a new
"Star Wars, Episode II" preview (which admittedly, made
"Ice Age" better even if it shouldn't have), I would have been out
of the theater in 85 minutes, with tax and tip included. Short is
not good unless it is called "miniskirt."
2. Plot rip-off
Large, seemingly boring straight man
befriends small, annoying sidekick and goes on a quest to find
redemption. Sure, this is lots of Hollywood productions, but it is
THE SAME FUCKING PLOT AS "SHREK" AND
"MONSTERS, INC." which came out
just last year. The difference here is that they couldn't afford
top-notch talent for "Ice Age" so they nabbed TV folly in Ray
Romano, John Leguizamo, and Denis Leary. Eddie Murphy, this is not.
3. No fun for the adults
Hey, everyone knows that the best cartoon
fare these days (and of the last ten years, that can essentially be
summed up as "Toy Story" and its
sequel) has lots for both kids AND
adults to enjoy. "Ice Age" has a couple of funny scenes, mostly due
to its sideplot involving a strange-looking creature that is
constantly chasing an acorn. But, beyond that, there is nothing.
It doesn't help that the writers decided on a mammoth and a sloth to
play the two main characters...could you think of anything more
boring? And, no double entendres, no political references, no wit.
A comedic adventure that isn't funny or worthy of the trip. Bad,
4. Badly-drawn humans
I am amazed time and again about how
incredible animals, aliens and robots are drawn for the screen these
days. Really, truly incredible...and, "Ice Age" shines in this
area, with its stunning animation of sabretooth tigers and, well,
sabretooth tigers. But, why can't we draw human faces any better?
This is the 405th movie out of 406 animated films (save for the
shitty "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within") that draws humans like
someone is constantly inflating their body parts. Why do children
always have faces that look like hot-air balloons? Why can't adults
run more realistically? Humans kissing on-screen never seems to
look quite right.
5. No random shots of Voltron
Simply put, Bellview awards rating points
based solely on the number of times there are Voltron references in
a film. Voltron is the best cartoon ever, point-blank. Come on,
say it with me...lines like
"...and I'll form--THE HEAD!" or
are etched in your memory. If a film just
slipped a blazing sword reference into their dialogue, Earth would
be a much better place. As it is, maybe we're just stuck in the
"Ice Age." (This marks the first time in Bellview history that an
intentional pun has been used.)
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard