Directed by Gus Van Sant.
Written by Gus Van Sant, Matt Damon and Casey Affleck.
Starring Matt Damon and Casey Affleck.
Release Year: 2002
Review Date: 3/3/03
In the same weekend where it was confirmed
that the University of Virginia men’s basketball team is total and
complete horseshit, I saw the worst fucking piece of shit fucking
fuck-fuck I have seen in quite some time--“Gerry.”
In fact, I have been struggling for the last
two hours over whether to change the “Hard Vice” category to
“Gerry”, the first such instance since the two-hour period after my
friend Brian and I saw the dogshit known as “The 13th Warrior.”
You may not have heard much about “Gerry”
because it debuted at Sundance LAST year and even though it stars
Matt Damon and Casey Affleck and is directed by Gus Van Sant (“Good
Will Hunting”), the film struggled to find a distributor. That
should tell you something, as it is making a run right now at the
local arthouse theater downtown and I had not heard a single thing
about this film prior to its release. The film is a 100-minute
snorefest that stars Damon and Affleck as two guys that go hiking,
get lost, and walk a lot. Now, when I tell you that this is ALL THE
FILM REALLY IS, you would be apt to not believe me...but, trust me,
that is all that happens for 100 of the most boring minutes ever
filmed. Why? Because Van Sant tried to play “artiste” here and he
extends all of his shots to the point where they are full-reel
shots; I think I read somewhere that a reel is something like six or
seven minutes’ worth of celluloid, and that is what “Gerry” is for
the whole damned time.
So, we get to watch Damon and Affleck walk
up a hill. FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT MINUTES, in real time. Then, one of
them says something like “Man, we’re fucking lost.” The other
agrees. Then, we cut to a shot of the two guys from behind, walking
through a desert. FOR SEVEN MINUTES. Cut. A two-minute shot of
the twosome walking at night. Cut. Damon looks tired. The camera
swivels around him in a 360...FOR FIVE MINUTES. Bad piano chords
cover the scene. Cut. The same shot of a tired-looking Affleck.
FOR FIVE MINUTES.
If I had not gone to see this film with my
Sunday night film club, I would have walked out after the first
half-hour. That would have marked the first time I have ever walked
out of a theater before a film finished. But, I didn’t want to
shame the other members, so I sat through all of this. Much like
Jim Mora’s final speech as coach of the New Orleans Saints, where he
chastised all aspects of his football team (“The offense sucked!
The defense sucked! The coaching sucked! The special teams
sucked!), “Gerry” sucks at everything that can be sucked at. Rarely
do I waste time and money on something this atrocious. Oh, and I
can’t even tell you how angry I am that Affleck, Damon and Van Sant
got a writing credit for a film that has about 8 lines of dialogue,
no common sense and a lot of footage of Death Valley. Rat bastards.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard