Directed by Rupert Wainwright.
Written by Cooper Layne. Based on the 1980 film by John
Starring Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, DeRay Davis and Selma
Release Year: 2005
Review Date: 10/12/05
My friend Ross sent me an e-mail Tuesday:
"Yo, I got a free pass to go see 'The Fog'
on Wednesday night...you wanna join up?"
"Looks like dogshit...I'm in."
In what certainly must be called "padding
the stats", I joined up to catch "The Fog"--based on the John
Carpenter horror flick from 1980--because a movie about people
trying to escape a dangerous, murderous...fog just HAD to be awful,
and would help pad the bottom line of shit flicks before our
Oscar-worthy releases start coming down the pipe. And,
thankfully, "The Fog" delivers the goods.
A piece of absolute fucking shit from the
word go, the film stars Tom Welling (Superman from the "Smallville"
TV show) as Nick, a guy that likes to tag the ladies with zero
commitment, especially since his girlfriend (former girlfriend?)
Elizabeth (Maggie Grace) left their hometown of Antonio Bay, Oregon
six months ago. Strangely, she just appears one day, back in
the hood, literally just walking down a country road in the
dark...right around the time that this crazy-big fog bank starts
creeping into town. Does the big fog have something to do with
mysterious circumstances from 1871 revolving around lepers, strange
hallmarks on the backs of various buried artifacts, and a whole
bunch of zombies?
Wow, this shit was bad. Sure, you
would think that a film based around a fog--a FUCKING fog!--that has
the ability to kill people and make the living suffer like lepers
would be bad enough, but then we get even more bad shit. Like
watching the normally-interesting Selma Blair run around trying to
save her son from zombies that have the ability to blend with the
fog. Worse, the son (who looks not unlike a little brother to
the Ron Weasley character from the "Harry Potter" movies) actually
tries to run from the fog at one point; I can't tell you how hard
Ross and I were laughing at this scene, especially when 10 minutes
earlier, I called out
"Dude, I can't WAIT for somebody to actually
try and run from the fog!"
There's the kid, fucking RUNNING from the
fog, as if he will actually be able to outrun the weather, another
in a now-growing line of scenes where characters attempt to outrun
nature, starting last year with
After Tomorrow" and certain to become THE moment in every
weather-related disaster film going forward. Seriously, who
dreams this bullshit up?
Maybe it was the same asshole that decided
the fog will be able to blow out windows with its ferocious power in
some scenes but not even register on a weather vane in other scenes.
Or maybe it was the same asshole that decided that a metal detector
would be able to sound off whenever it crossed a strand of rope!
MAYBE, just maybe, it was the same muthafucka that said
"Here's an idea--let's have one of the
characters hide in a meat locker for, say, 12 hours, and then...let's
have him survive!!!!"
The ending is dogshit, the acting is dogshit,
the fucking PG-13 shower sex scene is fucking dogshit, the idea that
one guy starts losing chunks of skin on his face but doesn't think
to visit a doctor is bullshit, the whole thing is absolute fucking
shit. As bad as this movie is, though, at least it made me
laugh, and that gives it a slight leg up on
Grimm", which was even worse than "The Fog." Which is hard
to believe, you know?
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard