Directed by Aaron Seltzer.
Written by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg.
Starring Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Sophie Monk and Eddie
Release Year: 2006
Review Date: 2/19/06
Holy fucking shit.
After deciding to bite the bullet and see
the new romantic comedy spoof "Date Movie", I knew that I might be
in for trouble...but, damn, this much trouble?
Alyson Hannigan (a veteran of the sophomoric
teen comedy genre, no doubt) stars as Julia Jones, an overweight
black/Indian/Japanese/Jewish white girl that waitresses for her
parents' restaurant. Feeling so bad for herself and her
chances to ever meet Mr. Right, she enlists the help of a date
doctor named Hitch (Tony Cox) to figure out how to win the heart of
Grant (Adam Campbell), a British guy that she met in her restaurant.
After Hitch pimps her ride by making over her body, Julia sets out
to marry the new man of her dreams...by the end of the week.
Getting in the way? A hot model (Sophie Monk), Grant's crazy
parents (played by Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge), and her dad
(Eddie Griffin), who wants her to marry the restaurant's nasty-lookin'
As you can guess, this plot is all or
nothing, and sadly, it was mostly nothing for me. The movies
that are ripped off in this parody--dogshit. Trying to meld
basically random movies over the last five years (yeah, you thought
it would just be romantic comedies, too?), the writers of "Date
Movie" just threw a random bowl of shit at the wall and figured some
of it would have to work...so, we get not only
"My Big Fat Greek Wedding",
"Breakfast at Tiffany's" and other date-ish flicks, we also get
Bill Vol. I",
and Mrs. Smith",
Kong" and even "The Lord of the Rings." At least with the
"Scary Movie" series--"Date Movie" is the spinoff of that
franchise--they stuck mostly to horror movies, and threw in a few
random jokes from other films. Here, the writers don't seem to
know many actual romantic comedies from which to steal, so they just
pick a bunch of shit and think that we'll laugh in-between gross-out
And laugh, I did not.
First of all, the fucking movie is only 80
minutes long. That is WITH THE CREDITS. If you take away
the endless amount of flashback scenes in "Date Movie", you probably
only have about a 60-to-65-minute film here. That's amazing to
me. That ends up being a blessing, because this flaming
horseshit is so bad, but if I had paid $9.50 to see this
motherfucker I would have set the theater on fire after walking out.
You couldn't find 90 minutes' worth of material for this bullshit?
Then, you get some of the worst comedic transitions ever. Even
if folks had been laughing after certain bits of dialogue, we're
still waiting too long for the next line delivery, which is a
problem when you only have about 80 minutes of material.
Run-on jokes also aim to kill "Date Movie"; having the hot model rub
cheeseburgers onto a car's dash four times, instead of just once,
made a dumb gag unbearable.
Hannigan, who has quite the nerd following
after doing the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" series, will get her fans
into the theater, but I would guess even the fanboys will be angry
with Hannigan for signing on to such a dog...but, I guess a paycheck
is a paycheck if you've never been the top billing star on a major
motion picture. The rest of the cast seems to be working hard
to offend in any way possible, and while their gross-out sight gags
are quite nasty, their actual scripted lines were often following by
tumbleweed blowing in the aisles of my half-full theater. What
the fuck is Fred Willard doing in this film? What the fuck is
Eddie Griffin doing in a film that shoots lower than even "Deuce
Bigalow 2: European Gigolo"? Even fuckin' L'il Jon shows up
for a dumbass cameo midway through the movie...what the fuck is
going on here?
Now, I will admit--there is one absolutely
hilarious shot, but it's not enough to save this thing from the
depths of misery. Borrowing from the trend started with Keenan
Ivory Wayans' "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka", there's a scene where a
stunt double is used for Hannigan (who is a white redhead) that is
absolutely, 100% black and probably a guy...and I was fucking
howling when they showed this scene. Judging from the lack of
laughter in my theater, I think almost everyone missed the gag, but
I didn't, and I'm a happier man for it. The film's other
saving grace: the trailer for "Nacho Libre", the new film from
the guy that did "Napoleon Dynamite." I can already tell this
has a chance for minor Hollywood magic.
Besides this, "Date Movie" is near-complete
fucking misery. Avoid this at all costs!
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard