Directed by Jaume Balaguero.
Written by Jaume Balaguero, Fernando de Felipe and Miguel Tejada-Flores.
Starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin, Iain Glen and Giancarlo Giannini.
Release Year: 2002
Review Date: 1/6/05
What a fucking piece of dogshit!
When "Darkness", a thriller made a couple
years ago that was unleashed upon the general public over the
just-past Christmas holiday, was over, my friend Ross, his girl Anne
and I were all just stunned. This is mostly because we
couldn't think of enough profanities to yell at the credits when
this flaming piece of cow dung was over.
I'm not even going to cover why this is
absolute dogshit, but I do know this--someone has GOT TO FUCKING
STOP THE MADNESS of all of these PG-13 spookfests from destroying
the once-proud horror genre. I actually miss the "Friday the
13th" movies now, because at least some of those films were scary;
man, with the sequel to
Ring" on the way soon, it's like it will never stop!
Please, someone take the director's chair away from M. Night
Shyamalan, who made the shitty
"The Village" and
seems destined to leave his mark on film as "the Indian guy from
Pennsylvania that destroyed horror films by directing
'The Sixth Sense.'"
Please, someone, get to Buffy before she makes "The Grudge 2"!!!
Please, someone stop the Japanese from continuing to import this
genre to the States, where all studios do is rip them off!
Man, I still sit here and rue the day that
somebody over at the MPAA dropped the PG-13 on us; it's made
everyone and everything it touches a real softee. Barbarian
movies used to be tough; now, they're fancy and bloodless.
Action movies used to have characters that spouted off about
everything, in every lingual sense imaginable...now, they're like a
prime-time TV show with an occasional gun battle. R-rated
comedies like "Caddyshack" or "Stripes" or "Beverly Hills Cop" are
mostly gone (save for the occasional
but in their stead we get comedies like
Movie 3", or anything with Adam Sandler, movies that might be
good if they allowed for more f-bombs or gratuitous taddies...but
they don't, so we get a watered-down farting joke or a tame, James
Bond-ian double entendre to fill the gap.
Fuck you, PG-13, fuck you!
And, that's one of many reasons why
"Darkness" sucks--in the long-and-getting-longer line of these just
barely-scary flicks, the story blows, the acting blows, the scares
don't scare and the ending is so bad you flirt with the idea of
killing yourself to end the pain. I still don't get what
happened with the haunted house that seemed to kill some inhabitants
but not others...but, while I was watching, I also didn't get what
made Anna Paquin sign on to do this film. She MUST have read
this script and said to her agent, "Get me in this film!", which is
stunning, because from the story, to the atmosphere, to the
direction, to the overall execution, "Darkness" has no idea how to
do what it needs to do to entertain.
I used to like shitty movies, but moments
like this are not easy to palate. Fucking shitty-ass shit
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard