Directed by Jeff Balsmeyer.
Written by Jeff Balsmeyer.
Starring Rhys Ifans, Miranda Otto, Justine Clarke and Rhys
Release Year: 2004
Review Date: 9/6/04
The trailer was dogshit. The premise
is dogshit. Buying Rhys Ifans as the best-looking guy in town
is dogshit. The logic is all dogshit.
"Danny Deckchair" is a big pile of...yeah,
Ifans is the title character, a bricklayer
that is dating a real estate agent named Trudy (Justine Clarke) and
she's getting pretty tired of a life with a cementlayer...so, she
has started up an affair with the local sportscaster (Rhys Muldoon)
in their hometown of Sydney, Australia. Danny might look a bit
aloof but he's no idiot, so he concocts a plan to try a little
stunt: he inflates about a hundred balloons that are tied to
his lawn chair, and somehow, he flies to the northern Aussie town of
Clarence and starts a new life as The Professor, complete with a
girlfriend named Glenda (Miranda Otto, from the final two "LOTR"
films), a post as the manager of a local campaign for mayor, and
all-around good guy. The national media is all over the tale
of the lost adventurer, so Danny's friends spend most of the film
trying to find out where his little deckchair has landed.
My buddy Yac and I were the only two people
in the theater, which made this shit more fun because we got to
constantly question the film's continuously sketchy logic--why has
no one asked Danny what his real name is? Why does Glenda not
question what he was doing landing in her backyard trees? Can
you really fly across the country with some simple party
balloons???--and it allowed the two of us to go "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" all up in that ass. This was the first time I
have ever started and finished a movie where no one else (strangers,
that is) showed up, so it was like a long episode of "Siskel and
Ebert" and that, my friends, was a good ass time!
Man, how bad was "Danny Deckchair"???
I don't even want to talk about how shitty it was any longer.
Every time I thought there might be a chance of something decent on
the way, I was dead wrong. Not funny, not romantic, not a
chance. Yac was calling out transitional devices throughout
("Here comes their first fight!"; "Uh-oh, here comes the obligatory
'I Have a Dream' speech"). I spent most of the night trying to
be funny for my own sake, inserting my own made-up lines during
breaks in the speech patterns; I have to admit, I had some pretty
good ones. Naturally, the ending was dogshit.
Fucking shitty shit.
Rating: Hard Vice
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Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard