Yes, I did.
Yes, I did go and see the Britney Spears
movie this weekend. Let's make this simple: Britney can, in fact,
act. Unfortunately, the film around her is a piece of shit. And
damn, that Britney is hot.
It is this last point that we should focus
on. I am sick and tired of women saying that the girl isn't hot.
Whether you like white girls, black girls, candy-striped
girls...girls with lots of back fat, it's safe to say that Britney
Spears is one hot mamma-jamma. (God Bless the Digital Underground.)
You can call the girl's rack fake if you want to, but every straight
male that I know will tell you that the girl is absolutely friggin'
loaded. After she made the Pepsi commercial for last year's
Super Bowl (I will admit that this year's "time-travelling" theme
was pretty dumb), every guy I know that watched the Super Bowl
talked about the same thing:
"Yo, did you see that Britney commercial?"
The girl is hot! Come on! Her music might
be no good, but I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS. The girl can hold the
screen, and it's all good in my hood.
What was also strange today was going to the
theater by myself to see this film. I knew that none of my friends
would go to see this, so I just walked over to the multiplex and
slapped down cash for a matinee. When I told the girl at the window
that I wanted
"One please for...'Crossroads'"
she had this look in her eyes that said
"Not a problem...you fucking pedophile..."
which, I was okay with. I knew it was going
to come, so I prepared myself for eye burn from everyone. The
security guard near the window heard my order, too, and it looked
like he might pull his baton on me for a daytime beatdown. The girl
who rips tickets up ahead looked at my ticket, and gave me a sincere
look of disappointment before saying "Theater 1, on the right."
And, the mother who was with her teenage daughter in front of me
seemed to say
"Didn't want to wear the raincoat, eh,
Hey, let's be honest: you can't only go to
the movies to see movies that you WANT to see if you ever want to be
taken seriously as a reviewer, right?So, maybe today's efforts were
worth it. Too bad the movie wasn't any better.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard