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"Crimson Gold"

Directed by Jafar Panahi.
Written by Abbas Kiarostami.
Starring Hossain Emadeddin.
Release Year:  2003
Review Date:  2/2004 


I don’t read reviews, but maybe I should start, because my natural assumption that imported films are at least halfway decent has been wrong so many times now that I’m gettin’ pissed!

“Crimson Gold”, a film sent to us from Iran from last year, is so fucking atrocious, so outright fucking bad, that if I had not been at the film with my buddy Yac, I would have left halfway through it.  Seriously, this was a crock of fucking shit, it was so fucking bad.  Worse, it was playing at Visions Theater, the single-shittiest fucking indie house in town.  Nine bucks to see a film in a glorified fucking coffee shop?  With seats cheaper than a ten-dollar hooker?  In a screening room where some guy literally walked through the theater with bags of trash to take out to the dumpster beyond the exit doors in our theater?

Shit!  “Crimson Gold” is about a guy named Hussein (no fucking shit, the bitch’s name is HUSSEIN), who has zero personality and zero heartbeat when the film opens, thanks to a suicide that leads us to rewind and witness events that lead up to his death.  Too bad those events are fucking boring, fucking worthless and shit-fucking shitty shit.

I can’t even write any more about this film, I’m still so fucking burned up about it.

Rating:  Hard Vice


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Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)

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The "fine print":
All material by Justin Elliot Bell for SMR/Bellview/ except where noted
© 1999-2009 Justin Elliot Bell This site was last updated 01/08/09