I don’t read reviews, but maybe I should
start, because my natural assumption that imported films are at
least halfway decent has been wrong so many times now that I’m
“Crimson Gold”, a film sent to us from Iran
from last year, is so fucking atrocious, so outright fucking bad,
that if I had not been at the film with my buddy Yac, I would have
left halfway through it. Seriously, this was a crock of fucking
shit, it was so fucking bad. Worse, it was playing at Visions
Theater, the single-shittiest fucking indie house in town. Nine
bucks to see a film in a glorified fucking coffee shop? With seats
cheaper than a ten-dollar hooker? In a screening room where some
guy literally walked through the theater with bags of trash to take
out to the dumpster beyond the exit doors in our theater?
Shit! “Crimson Gold” is about a guy named
Hussein (no fucking shit, the bitch’s name is HUSSEIN), who has zero
personality and zero heartbeat when the film opens, thanks to a
suicide that leads us to rewind and witness events that lead up to
his death. Too bad those events are fucking boring, fucking
worthless and shit-fucking shitty shit.
I can’t even write any more about this film,
I’m still so fucking burned up about it.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard