Although I have never heard of it, there is
apparently a huge following for the “Cowboy Bebop” anime series and
now, finally, there is a movie about it! (I learned later that this
film really opened two years ago. Oh well.)
For the other 99.5% of us, this is your
standard issue Japanese action cartoon. Only a couple of problems
with this idea, though:
-
“Cowboy Bebop” and its world are
decidedly Japerican, so you’ve got a lot of regular old white
and black folks in a world where the signs are all printed in
Japanese and English. In fact, I don’t think there was a single
Japanese-looking character in the film.
-
“Cowboy Bebop” is about three bounty
hunters--Spike, Faye, and Jet--and their fight to bring down a
mysterious guy in a leather jacket named Vincent before he
infects the entire population of Mars (in the future, it’s
populated) with this virus that instantly kills people once
airborne. Great idea, but one major problem--there is almost no
action in the film.
This leaves you with a problem if you go
into this film (as I was doing) thinking it was going to be the next
“Akira.” I like anime, I like action, and the two were not matched
together in this film. Add to this the fact that the film is 110
minutes long (about a half-hour too long for a cartoon) and is
mostly characters standing in the shadows, talking about nothing,
and you had a guy named Justin sitting in the theater asleep for a
solid ten minutes of film time. “Cowboy Bebop” has a cool opening
sequence, and two pretty cool fight scenes between Spike and
Vincent. Otherwise, I was sitting around thinking to myself,
“Why don’t I go ahead and start making
films? I see two films a week, and one of them is always
average-to-dogshit. What the hell am I doing sitting at my desk
from 8-5, thumb up my ass while I do work for The Man? Isn’t life
supposed to be grander than this? Damn, I could go for some
Skittles right now. Man, what are those two guys sitting across the
aisle from me doing, anyway? Man, they’ve been making noise
since I got the hell in here. Can’t wait to go to Burger King for
lunch tomorrow...those chicken tenders with their wild shapes are
pretty sweet. The chicken is just so tasty...”
And, so on. With this amount of
daydreaming, you KNOW that shit wasn’t all that it was cracked up to
be.
Rating: Rental
Comments? Drop me a line at
justin@bellviewmovies.com.
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Office Space").
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
half stars."
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard
Vice"-rated movies.)