Fucking shit was the worst fucking shit of
the year. "The Brown Bunny" was amongst the worst dogshit I
have every fucking seen, but it wasn't quite as bad as
"Gerry", a film that
is shockingly similar for so many fucking reasons that you need to
go out right now, rent "Gerry", be angry and bored concurrently and
then go out and see the motherfucking Vincent Gallo flick "The Brown
Bunny" just to see my point.
A plot summary is useless here because
Vincent Gallo--much more focused in "Buffalo '66" that he is
here--decided to fuck with the good people of the world and make a
movie about absolutely nothing. My buddy Yac, who prior to
this film was someone I could take seriously, actually tried to tell
me he thought "The Brown Bunny" was a "strong" Matinee, to which I
almost wanted to beat him in the presence of others.
"What", I asked, "could you POSSIBLY
recommend about that dogshit film?"
"Well," Yac began, knowing his argument
would fall into the void of insanity, "after that ending, I have to
admit, it kind of...you know, all comes together."
I was speechless. "The Brown Bunny" is
basically a 15-minute film wrapped in a 93-minute package; it is
amazingly similar to a bag of Lays chips, in that there is so much
air in the bag that by the time you get to the minimal amount of
chips in the bag, you are left with instant disappointment.
Gallo, who also shot parts of the film, uses long running masters of
plain useless footage; a three-minute shot of his character Bud
riding on his motorcycle into the distance, or a five-minute shot of
a neighborhood that Bud is driving around in, or a four-minute shot
of ChloŽ Sevigny's character Daisy...bobbing for apples in Bud's
Being the last man on Earth that had not
heard about the very, VERY real fellatio scene in the trades (I
guess that should be easy, since I don't read anything), even that
comes off as gratuitous and overlong...plus, I wasn't planning on
having to stare at Gallo's johnson for about five minutes of screen
time. I'll admit, I would LOVE to know how Gallo got Sevigny
to agree to do the scene, because in the "tough sell" category, this
one takes the cake!
But soon after this, we get an explanation
for all of Bud's loner-ism in one trite, fly-by-night number, and
then it's over. I'm sure there are those out there that look
at a film like this as if it is high art, and I'm going to quash
that notion right away, because the filmmaking of "The Brown Bunny"
is at times beyond abysmal. In part this is due to the
editing, which allows any tense drama to dissipate between episodes;
a dramatic pit stop with an older woman (Cheryl Tiegs, looking
haggard as all get out) is effective, then we go ten minutes
watching Bud drive to nowhere and kick-starting his dirtbike to ride
into the midday sun. Or, we get a great opening sequence that
is parlayed into a quirky, useless bit with the mother of
Daisy...and then, another ten minutes of Bud driving cross-country.
The camerawork is uninspired; the soundtrack does do a good job of
conveying the loneliness of the Bud situation, but it's almost a
distraction because the music is just so bad. Apparently, the
version of this that was shown at Cannes is literally 30 minutes
longer than the version we got here in the States; apparently lots
of folks told Gallo
"Brah, your shit's too long, nooka!
You need to put the clamps on or Bellview's gonna be pissed!"
and, even with this version, it's at least
20 minutes too long, if not more. All that being said, even
when you compare "The Brown Bunny" to "Buffalo '66", the latter had
flashes of brilliance but the former seems to have nothing like
That, and "The Brown Bunny" is a fucking
piece of shit.
Rating: Hard Vice
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard