"Blood: The Last Vampire"
Directed by Chris Nahon.
Written by Chris Chow. Based on a comic book, manga or bad
Starring Gianna, Allison Miller, Colin Salmon and Liam
Release Year: 2009
Review Date: 7/12/09
As some of you know, I occasionally see a
movie trailer so bad that I HAVE to see the final film only to see
if I can pad my Hard Vice stats. Sadly, "Blood: The Last
Vampire" is bad, but it wasn't total dogshit.
"Blood: The Last Vampire" is bad because
nearly everything that went into it comes out as a stupid fucking
idea. Stop me if you recognize this plot--a vampire hunter
named Saya (Gianna) is a half-human, half-vampire warrior who has
been fighting against vampires for years. Using a sword and
the help of The Society, a group of people bent on exposing and
killing previously-mentioned vampires, Saya goes to a U.S. military
base in Japan to find the most evil, most vile leader of the entire
vampire race...a woman named Onagin who is able to kill people just
by looking at them. With the help of an American teenager
(Allison Miller), Saya goes about her business of slaughtering bad
"Blade" did it better.
Directed by the genius that gave us the
atrocious Jet Li actioner
of the Dragon", "Blood" has a bad script, strangely bad special
effects, a visual style that is nonsensical and a lead actress that
is stuck in the worst of spots: English appears to not be her first
language, but the film is done mainly in English. Lop onto
that the fact that Gianna is supposed to be playing a HALF human
character, so she should have HALF a soul, but her performance is
stiff as a board and isn't helped by the talent surrounding her
(i.e., no talent at all). The action scenes are choreographed
by a legend in this category, Corey Yuen (he has done the
choreography for many of Jet Li's films), but the camerawork, the
blood-splatter effects, and the wire work either look too flashy,
too fake, or too stale.
Where this film avoids Hard Vice status comes
in the final 20 minutes, when Saya's father is shown in flashback
fighting off Onagin's army of strangely-not-vampire soldiers...I
love the Asian idea of bad-ass old guy fighters, so that sequence
was pretty cool to me. And, I laughed out loud during a line
Saya gives to the American teen, when she tells the American "It's
'our' war. Run away. Forget everything", as if a person
could forget seeing vampires for the first time or run away to
downtown Tokyo to avoid seeing more of them. Terrible.
Terrible, but not the bottom. Avoid
this movie anyway.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard