Directed by David S. Goyer.
Written by David S. Goyer.
Starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds and Kris
Release Year: 2004
Review Date: 12/9/04
In a similar fashion to the disappointing
finale to "The Matrix" trilogy, "Blade: Trinity" takes the
excitement, the goodwill, the great laughs and the sleek look of the
first two "Blade" movies and flushes it all down the fucking toilet.
It's not all bad, though--with a great
soundtrack by The RZA and the sex appeal of Jessica Biel, "Blade:
Trinity" is certainly watchable, and it's certainly...listenable.
This time around our man Blade (Wesley Snipes) is wanted by the FBI
after killing roughly 1,100 vampires over the last few years and
FINALLY catching their attention. After he is apprehended by
the feds and summarily broken out by a couple of vampire-hunting
kids (Biel and Ryan Reynolds, from "Van Wilder"), Blade and his new
friends learn of an evil plot: the vampire Danica (Parker
Posey...Parkey Posey???) is trying to raise the world's OV
(original vampire) Drake (Dominic Purcell) from the dead to kill
Blade and vampire hunters everywhere. Much bloodshed ensues.
I'll put it right out there: I thought
that the first two "Blade" movies were great. The original
"Blade" was great, Stephen Dorff was great for the only time in his
whole career as the bad guy, the opening sequence is fantastic, and
the fight scenes are whoopin'. "Blade
II" was a great follow-up; the addition of a team for Blade to
fight alongside added that je ne sais quoi to the action
scenes; Ron Perlman was great, the soundtrack was awesome, the whole
thing was class and the look was sleek. My thinking was that
for a third "Blade" movie, leaving well enough alone would make for
a great formula, but new director David S. Goyer (he wrote the first
two "Blade" films) decided to give us slightly less action, hammy
lines, cheap-looking special effects and...
...Parker Posey as our lead baddie?
Who allowed this to happen? Parker
Posey, Ms. Indie Queen herself, as the bad girl in a big-budget
studio blowout? First off, you can tell that Posey is actually
trying to give her scenes depth--no matter how shallow, the effort
IS there--and for a movie like this where everyone else is dialing
it in, she looks totally out of place. Secondly, I think she's
kinda ugly, so having to look at her awkward facial lines all movie
long is not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. Yeah, yeah,
I'm not gracing the cover of GQ either, but come on, you
don't see anybody trying to put me onscreen for people to suffer
through. I'm trying to figure out if she is married to another
"Blade" cast member, or the director, or somebody, cause this is
just weird. (It's also weird to see John Michael Higgins here
as a psychologist, since he and Posey also starred together in
Wind", comedies through and through.)
Anyway, "Blade: Trinity" suffers through
other problems as well--a very bland opening number (after the other
two films started off with solid sequences); bad supporting acting
led by anyone playing an FBI agent in this film or any of Danica's
evil cohorts; not-so-tough fight scenes. Watching Reynolds
throw punches was making me laugh; and, at 42, Snipes might not be
able to do this kind of part as well as he could even five years
ago. There are the requisite man-toy scenes, where Blade and
his team go over the new weapons, the new gadgets, the new car;
there's a sweet four-barrel shotgun-looking thing, but then they
never use it. And, the other new gadgets just never wow you.
Even the end fight scene featuring Blade and Drake doesn't deliver;
it's a so-so swordfight that isn't...well, it just ain't good.
And then you get your standard-issue
throwaway scenes...but, strangely, they weren't thrown away!
Take, for example, a sequence where Blade and Co. discover a
blood-bank farm that the vampires are using to feed their kind.
Making this discovery, one would think that Blade and his gang would
have to fight through hordes of bad guys to make a discovery that
could change the scope of the vampire war, then make that discovery
and use it to take down the bad guys. At least, you would
Instead, Blade walks in, tells THE ONLY BAD
GUY WORKING THERE to flip a switch, and then instead of saving the
humans being milked for their blood or just blowing up the facility
all together, what does Blade do? He gets in his car and
drives off. I wish I had been sitting in the theater with
people I knew, so I could have looked sane when I wondered aloud
"What the fuck was that scene about????" Couldn't they at
least have provided a few security guards for Blade to fuck up?
Maybe a few sentries that Blade had to shoot? Something???
As the last action film of the year, I had
high hopes for "Blade: Trinity" and my hopes were definitely not
met. The soundtrack is hot, though...I found myself bobbing
the head to a song by ODB and a couple of tracks by The Crystal
Method throughout the film, even if some of the loud onscreen action
wasn't quite as strong as the tracks. Guess this means I won't
be buying the forthcoming three-DVD box set.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard