You will probably have to look for this one
on video, because it’s a small documentary by a guy named Paul
Hough. What’s important here is that the film takes a look at the
phenomenon of backyard wrestling, which wasn’t too big when I was a
kid, but nowadays...whoa!!
Over the course of 80 minutes, we get to
watch footage of kids fucking up other kids with barbed wire, light
bulbs, thumbtacks, and razor blades. Naturally, there are the
requisite wooden tables that must be shattered in order to show off,
but we get a lot of footage here involving tables wrapped in barbed
wire that are set on fire, and THEN used to break some guy’s fall.
Not for me, but for a host of middle- and lower-income kids around
the country, this is the shiznit! Characters like The Lizard, Scar,
Chaos and Heartless are profiled in the film; The Lizard has real
aspirations of going pro, and so we get to follow his short-lived
attempt to make it to the big time: the World Wrestling Federation,
where some lowlifes become stars!
Hey, if you like watching real people bleed
real blood, this one’s for you. If you like to watch kids attempt a
suplex in their backyard...with very hazardous results, this one’s
for you. If you like to make fun of stereotyped hicks as they shoot
home video of their kids on fire, check this thing out.
Or, if you are like me, just sit back and
laugh at the fact that at one point, Scar (with so many scars on his
body that he almost can’t be looked at without throwing up) arranges
a bout with a guy who calls himself The Retarded Butcher, who wears
a shirt that says
“I put the ‘S’ in...retarded!”
and then the two go to a local park and
start destroying each other with light bulb poles, garbage cans, and
pieces of glass...and, when Scar puts thumbtacks out on one of the
tables, Butcher’s mom comes by and starts groaning in the background
“Not the thumbtacks...oh God, NOT THE
right before Scar throws Butcher on the
table and Butcher gets about a dozen thumbtacks stuck into his
Nasty, but damn, since I know nobody got
killed, I had a fun time watching.
Rating: $9.50 Show
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard