2006 Bellview Awards, Part II
Let’s keep ridin’ it!
Biggest Fucking Piece of Shit--"Underworld:
There were many underperformers this year,
but the first Hard Vice film I saw this year ended up being the
worst--the sequel to the mildly-awful
featured some of the worst action sequences ever, a sex scene so bad
I KNOW that cast and crew members laughed about that scene over
beers at craft services the next morning, and an ending that led to
multiple uses of the f-bomb after I left the theater.
"Underworld: Evolution" also lends more credence to the fact that
you should never go see movies where a husband (Len Wiseman) is
directing his wife (Kate Beckinsale). Further, you should
NEVER advertise a new film (like the new one coming soon, "Blood and
Chocolate") by saying "from the makers of 'Underworld.'"
Most Overrated Flick--"Talladega
Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"
Don't get me wrong--I did laugh, often,
during "Talladega Nights." And, as my friend Katey Dietz
pointed out, for many of the bits, you have to be a NASCAR fan to
get some of the humor being poked at NASCAR fan circuits. But,
I know from reading reviews and talking to people that a lot of
folks thought this shit was a wet pile of gold, and that's where I
take issue. I watched this again on my trip to Africa and I
must say--much like I thought when I first saw the film--that it
doesn't hold as well as Will Ferrell's other big comedy hits because
it's just funny, not exactly running hilarity. And, the other
big thing--"Talladega Nights" really doesn't have a home run ball,
an electrifying balls-out sequence that everyone thinks is the
funniest thing ever. Certainly nothing like the jazz flute
scene from "Anchorman",
still one of the funniest ten scenes of this decade. Close
second here is
Vendetta", but I could imagine this one getting better as it
ages, which I can't say for "Talladega Nights."
Most Disappointing Flick (tie)--"Idlewild"
and "A Scanner
If you told me that OutKast was going to
make a blowout Prohibition-era musical with every famous black
person available and set it to an original soundtrack, I would
respond that there's no way that it would suck...but, "Idlewild"
severely underachieved, especially given the creativity and depth of
the hip-hop/R&B duo's albums. And, it wasn't even like they
tried to make a domestic comedy or a sci-fi action epic...it was
musicians making a musical!! In the case of "A Scanner
Darkly", I thought after seeing the trailer and the pedigree there
was simply no way it wouldn't rule...and, then, it didn't. The
star actors read their lines quite well, but the film's subject
becomes a very un-sci-fi look at life in the near future, and save
for the film's only great idea, the "scramble suit", "A Scanner
Darkly" is surprisingly ordinary. In the cases of both films,
I blame myself for building them up, but still, very disappointing.
Biggest Surprise Flick--"Brick"
There were other movies I considered here;
"The Departed" was
great but after seeing the original script taken from
Affairs", I was doubly impressed that Scorsese pulled it all
off...also, even with the acting pedigree from
"The Lost City",
Andy Garcia hit a home run with his Cuban indie flick thanks to an
all-around stellar film experience. But, "Brick"--a murder
mystery set in high school with a script that was pulled right out
of a pulpy 1940s-style noir--just left me stunned, because from the
jump you just can't figure out what would make anyone think this
would work...and then, it does! "Brick" is one of those rare
films that everyone who's seen it talks about but the masses never
get (think "Memento");
if you ever add it to your Netflix queue, you'll be glad you did.
The 20 Best Movie Moments of the Year:
A “movie moment” is essentially when you
have a scene where everyone in the audience seems to have the same
reaction—maybe it’s a big laugh, or an awe-inspiring stunt, or a
moment where everyone in the audience, even “that guy that never
cries”, cries. Two recent examples: maybe the most
famous line about wine in the history of the movies from
not drinking any fucking merlot!"), or the best moment from
2004, the bag of weed dream sequence from
"Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle." And now, this year's
Science of Sleep": When Stephane and Stephanie get chased
down by the cops in the dream sequence, ending with Stephane driving
his cardboard car into a wall. Until the last five minutes of
this movie, nearly everything about it is great
Hill": When Anna (Tanya Allen) gets her skin ripped off by
Pyramid Head. Whoa!
Pink Panther": Clouseau's English lessons, where he
attempts to pronounce the word "hamburger". Shitastic movie
made slightly palatable by Steve Martin at his best.
Protector": The end fight scene/limb-breaking sequence.
Tony Jaa is a nasty-looking muthafucka, but he sure can perform a
Balboa": The training sequence. As bad as it is for
sixty minutes, the second "Rocky Balboa" gets to what we all came
out for in the first place, the skin has a genuine tingle to it
Dreamz": "IT'S JUST A BASS LINE!!!" Watching Iqbal
(Tony Yalda), Omer's vamping dance choreographer, try to teach Omer
how to shake it is some great comedy...
Many other men mentioned this scene to me, too...just the idea of
having a boat and a sat phone turns me on now
Movie": When the black stuntman takes over for Julia
(Alyson Hannigan, who is
a white woman) during a staged shot near the end of the film.
Still don't know if this gag was intentional or not, but it IS
hilarious...too bad the majority of the movie was not
12--"Lonesome Jim"--Evil: "How's that weed?"
Jim: "Strong, man!" Evil: "Yeah...I put some crack in it!"
This movie had some good laughs in it, but since I'm the only guy
that saw it, maybe more folks will add this one to the queue
Movie 4": CatBoy's dialogue with Cindy (Anna Faris) using
only Japanese companies. Again, really shitty movie, but
this one scene is worth seeing again
The sex scene. Just trust me on this, great stuff!
When Cheiko (Rinko Kikuchi) goes to the nightclub, and "September"
is playing, and she finds disappointment with a potential boyfriend
she has just met. It all hits you like a brick what it must be
like to go dancing when you are deaf.
Libre": When Nacho sings the song, "Encarnacion", before
his final wrestling match. In an already-funny film, the
lyrics of this number literally brought the house down in my
Royale": The "free-running" action sequence where Bond (Daniel
Craig) goes after a bad guy by chasing him all over creation.
These kinds of action sequences are popping up more and more in
films, but this one is top-notch
Miss Sunshine": There were many to choose from, but from a
dialogue perspective, it's tough to beat the following exchange near
the end: "Where's your grandpa?"..."In the trunk of our car!"
on a Plane": "I am sick of these MUTHAFUCKIN' snakes on this
The suicide scene. Man, there were a lot of bloody shockers
The nude wrestling sequence. Probably the best laugh of the
year...all two minutes of it.
2--"The Departed": That wham-bang ending.
Candy": You know what! Trust me, if you're a guy and
you've seen both this and "The Departed", this one gets the slight
Best DVD Rental of the Year--TV Series:
"The Shield", Season 4
The choices here were pretty simple, since I
somehow only watched two TV show seasons this year--the fourth
season of "The Shield" or the first season of "Battlestar Galactica"?
For me, this was fairly easy--"The Shield" has been consistently
great every season it's been on television, and in the fourth year,
they added Glenn Close of all people to add some acting chops to the
cast. This mostly works well; no TV show does "root for the
bad guy" like "The Shield", and this 13-episode run was almost as
good as the first two seasons.
Best DVD Rental of the Year--Movies:
"12 Angry Men"
Sidney Lumet is a flat-out genius, and to
make any film feel layered and full of drama is tough but to do it
by just having everything take place in one room has got to be a
challenge...and, Lumet pulls it off brilliantly. Too bad it
took me so many years to see it!
Ahh, just one more leg to go!
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