2005 Bellview Awards, Part II
Let’s keep ridin’ it!
Biggest Fucking Piece of Shit--"The
I saw other bad films this year, but given a
cast of Matt Damon, Monica Bellucci, Heath Ledger and Jonathan Pryce
and a directorial effort by Terry Gilliam, "The Brothers Grimm"
locked this up back in the summertime. Bad in ways other films
can only dream of, the plot sucks, the special effects suck,
Bellucci is somehow made up to NOT BE HOT, and it is L O N G.
Even the love interest is pretty natty. August is the new
September, long since the dumping ground for Hollywood
underachievers, and with
"Stealth", "The Brothers Grimm" and other films being released
around this timeframe in 2005, maybe I should start taking August
off instead. Wow, this was bad.
Most Overrated Flick--"Wedding
Let's make sure we are clear: The
first 45 minutes of "Wedding Crashers" (right up until our two
heroes, played by Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, go to visit the
senator's house in Annapolis) is as hard as I can ever remember
laughing during a film. EVER. But, in trying to give us
a 120-minute sophomoric comedy, we've got more than half the movie
to go at that critical juncture and I was swimming in pain as this
thing finally came to a close. Yet, I still hear people talk
about it like it was the funniest movie of the year. "Yeah," I
respond, "if it was only an hour long." It also features the
worst Will Ferrell performance on record. Sure, there are a
few laughs as the family hangs out at the summer estate, but it just
didn't match the intensity and the camaraderie of that first
Most Disappointing Flick--"Shopgirl"
I blame myself for this one, but when I went
to see "Shopgirl" I was certain that this was going to be a good,
maybe great, movie. Wow, was I wrong. Martin is a bore
and, worse, his character is the film's main love interest, so not
only is he a bore but he is also onscreen for a lot of the time.
Claire Danes is also quite a bore; although I never thought I would
say this, I actually wish the film had more of the Jason Schwartzman
character because he is the only thing worth watching in this movie.
I got caught up in faux-indie hype and I lost; very disappointing.
Biggest Surprise Flick (tie)--"Hitch"
"Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith"
Mrs. Smith" and
"Hostage" were in the running here (most notably the latter, a
strangely watchable Bruce Willis thriller), but my two winners
surprised the hell out of me, for very different reasons. For
"Hitch", the trailer was great, Will Smith almost always makes fun
flicks and Eva Mendes is...well, Eva Mendes. The part that was
so surprising? How funny this pairing was, matched with great
comic relief from Kevin James as the client that Smith's character
tries to help. In the case of "Episode III", I still think it
is the best story and certainly has the best performances of the six
films...a HUGE surprise for me, given how awful the acting is even
in "Episode II" (I still have nightmares about that Anakin/Amadala
scene in the field before they kiss; ugh). The action isn't as
good as it was in "Return of the Jedi", the romance isn't as sappy
as it was in "Empire", and the ending--while great--doesn't match
the Death Star getting all blow'd up in "Star Wars." But from
back to front, the final Jedi flick really is the kind of space
opera you thought you were going to get all along when the prequels
The 20 Best Movie Moments of the Year:
A “movie moment” is essentially when you
have a scene where everyone in the audience seems to have the same
reaction—maybe it’s a big laugh, or an awe-inspiring stunt, or a
moment where everyone in the audience, even “that guy that never
cries”, cries. Two recent examples: maybe the most
famous line about wine in the history of the movies from last year's
not drinking any fucking merlot!"), or the best moment from last
year, the bag of weed dream sequence from
"Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle." And now, this year's
the Line": The end Folsom Prison sequence. I don't
know why, just some powerful, powerful stuff
of the Penguins": When that one unlucky penguin meets its
demise. Strangely, this is the most talked-about scene from
the home video featuring the construction guy that blows up houses.
This doesn't even belong in this movie, but man was it funny
Carter": When Lyle (Channing
Tatum) volunteers to do push-ups for Cruz (Rick Gonzalez) to get
him eligible to play. ManTears were shed
Upside of Anger": "I would rather get dental work done
every day by having someone reach up into my mouth through my ass
then date someone like you!"
Rich or Die Tryin'": When Marcus (50 Cent) gets lit up
about nine times. Can you imagine that happening to you in
real life...and surviving it?
Fu Hustle": "DONUT!!!!!!!!!!"
The torture scene. The guy sitting next to me couldn't watch
2": The ridiculous
hook-on-the-bomb-on-the-bottom-of-the-Audi number. An
otherwise bad sequel did have silly bits like this to keep it
11--"Hitch": The dance training
sequence. Even featured in the trailer, this didn't get old in
the actual movie
10--"Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the
Sith": when Yoda enters the Emperor's chambers and drops the
Republic Guards with one wave of his hand. Who doesn't love
Aristocrats": "And here's the kicker--Grandma's dead" and
the Kevin Pollak as Christopher Walken bit
"Girl, you ain't nothin' but a chinegro!"
History of Violence": The diner shootout, when that one
guy gets it in the face. You don't mess with Viggo!
The ending. Wow!
Thai Warrior": "Go...and...get...a good job!"
Cool": The Elliot Wilhelm (The Rock) rendition of "Bring
It On" in his audition for Chili Palmer (John Travolta).
Mountain": all three of the following--the cowboy sex
scene, the moment when Ennis' wife (Michelle Williams) spies her
husband's first meeting with an "old fishing buddy", and when Lureen
(Anne Hathaway) takes off her shirt. Sorry, but during that
last one, there were audible gasps from other men in the audience,
rare for a serious drama about gay cowboys!
and Flow": "WHOOP DAT TRICK! WHOOP DAT TRICK!"
1--"Wedding Crashers": The montage of
crashed weddings. As hard as I laughed all year at the movies
Best DVD Rental of the Year--TV Series:
"The Wire" (Season 1)
It was the first original TV series I
watched in 2005 and it was far and away the best. From smart
writing to great acting to a storyline that felt as fresh as any cop
drama I've seen, "The Wire" is excellent in its first season.
The second season was still strong, but the back-and-forth nature of
cops and robbers in Season 1 just had me hooked from start to
finish. That, and all of the intense performances were
"Nip/Tuck" (Season 1 was wild);
"The Shield" (Season 3 was even better than the stellar first
Best DVD Rental of the Year--Movies:
I could see where a lot of people took this
to be a foreign version of "Pulp Fiction", but the wraparound plot
goes much deeper than that, thanks to another incredible performance
by Gael García Bernal and maybe the movie's best performance, by
Emilio Echevarría as El Chivo. Cool story matched with what I
think is my first movie experience watching dogs chew the living
hell out of each other.
"The Graduate" (the classic has aged well),
"Eurotrip" (truly hilarious flick)
Ahh, just one more leg to go!
Comments? Drop me a line at