2004 Bellview Awards, Part II
Let’s keep ridin’ it!
Biggest Fucking Piece of Shit--"Van
This year, there was no
"Gerry" to choose
from...a movie so bad it transcends everything about bad filmmaking.
Gold" and "The
Brown Bunny" were bad, they were small films that not many
people saw or were ever going to see, limiting their dogshitness
(yes, that's a word). But, "Van Helsing" was a big, big movie
that failed miserably from all angles, and I still think the worst
part about it was that it was nearly 150 minutes long! Dogshit
shouldn't take that long to fester, should it????
Most Overrated Flick--"Open
This one was easy--I was hearing about this
one for months, and wow, what a letdown. The overall film was
actually not bad, but I seriously thought people had learned how to
levitate, the hype machine was so full-tilt on this flick.
First off, make your film longer than 70 minutes you poor bastards,
and two, make the dialogue have SOME semblance of reality.
Most Disappointing Flick--"Alien
For some people, this might be
"The Life Aquatic", but I'm not all that enamored with Wes
Anderson to begin with. Given a solid intro for a film,
"Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" was very disappointing,
as it went from Opening Weekend to Rental over the course of about
an hour. But again, this is not a film that I thought was
going to be the daddy of all daddies.
Did you know that the six previous "Alien"
and "Predator" movies were all rated R for language and violence?
Imagine, then, my surprise to learn that one of the best comic/video
game properties ever, "Alien vs. Predator", was getting the PG-13
softee treatment! Given the license and the pedigree, this
just doesn't measure up. But, in the spirit of heavy volumes
of ticket sales, the studios took away any chance of a great movie
when they took two of the best action/horror franchises ever and
made them into a teen enterprise. Fucking studios.
Biggest Surprise Flick--"Mean
Plain and simple, if I hadn't gotten a free
ticket from my friend Tricia to see "Mean Girls", I would never have
gone to see it. C'mon, a comedy starring a bunch of white teen
stars, including Lindsay Lohan, who hang out with even more white
rich girls?? Had ZERO interest in seeing it...and then, the
movie started, and I'm telling you, man, I still haven't met anyone
that hasn't liked this movie. So freakin' funny.
Treasure" was a close second here; thought for sure that was
going to straight blow, but it keeps you engaged the whole way.
The 20 Best Movie Moments of the Year:
A “movie moment” is essentially when you
have a scene where everyone in the audience seems to have the same
reaction—maybe it’s a big laugh, or an awe-inspiring stunt, or a
moment where everyone in the audience, even “that guy that never
cries”, cries. Two of my favorite examples of movie moments: the
scene in “The Full Monty” where the guys are all in line and they
all start feeling the beat of a song, and the ending of “Glory”,
which makes every single man in America cry when they watch it.
Everyone who has ever seen “The Full Monty” felt SOMETHING during
that scene, and it is just movie magic because you get this little
smile that runs across your face as you watch it all take place.
Note that movie moments are not always positive. Yes, I have been taking notes on this all year, so it’s not off
the cuff...my memory isn’t THAT good.
the Void": The scene where Joe has to climb down from the
mountain with a dislocated knee
All the Rules": When the old guy utters, "Hold my dick!"
Day After Tomorrow": The sequence where the Mexican Border
Patrol is trying to keep Americans out of Mexico
Machinist": When Trevor (Christian Bale) takes off his
shirt for the first time
The Hector/Achilles fight scene
"I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!!!"
When Kenneth Braun (William Sadler) tries to self-service himself in
under ten seconds
First Dates": When the old Asian guy (Joe Nakashima)
inquires of Henry (Adam Sandler), "Excuse me? Could I borrow
that, so I could wipe my ass?"
on Fire": When Creasy (Denzel Washington) jokingly
explains to Pita (Dakota Fanning) that he wasn't smiling
Brown Bunny": Fellatio!
Neverland": When Sylvia (Kate Winslet) watches the
finished play near the end of the film
Girls": "Oh my God...it's Danny DeVito!"
A True Underdog Story": The intro sequence for "ESPN8: The Ocho"
Full of Grace": The customs sequence
9/11": The voiceover sounds of the events on 9/11 over a
Passion of the Christ": The crucifixion
America: World Police": "I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
Gary...now get in the car!"
The jazz flute sequence
Dynamite": The end dance number, with Jamiroquai's "Canned
Heat" in the background
and Kumar Go to White Castle": Kumar's dream sequence with
the bag of weed
Ahh, just one more leg to go!
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