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2003 Bellview Awards, Part III



The finale!

Most Popular Bellview Essay—“Potpourri VI”

The play-on-words essay that discussed Vienna fingers, back-handed compliments and the snooze button garnered more responses than any other essay this year.

  1. “The Harborside Room” (creativity with clock radios and an MP3 player)

  2. “SFO-BOS-FCO-SFO” (travelogue on my trip to Boston and Rome)

  3. “Hammered” (intoxicated women at a club)

  4. “The 10-Year High School Reunion”


The Ten Best Essay Responses of the Year

Yep, if you ever respond to one of the essays, not only do I read them, I almost always keep them.  Out of literally hundreds of responses, here are the ten best ones, with the title of the essay appearing before each response.  You will also note that two of the responses come from the same couple, which makes them the funniest couple ever.


HM (High Maintenance)

10.  Alexis Goldberg, stressed out at work:  “I'm having a really shitty day, and you just made me laugh out loud!  I needed that.  Thanks!”  Honestly, I shed a ManTear after reading this brief e-mail.  Like Dick Vermeil—I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!!


Weekly Bellview Ratings (5/2/03)

9.  Nik “The Quick” Wilson, lawyer, in response to the statement “Have a good weekend...or whatever people at work say to you when you leave on a Friday”:  “On Fridays, people here normally say, ‘what time are you getting here tomorrow?’”


Road Trip 2: Boston

8.  Aimee Rials, not a fan: “Just to let you know—as a white woman who isn't into sports or guys that are—Boston sucks. The food is amazing...but watching guys pat each other on the ass watching real athletes play on TV trying to relive a brief play they 'may have' made once in Pop Warner football isn't a turn-on...”


The Harborside Room

7.  Chuck Longer, TiVo owner, thinking:  “I had a revelation about TiVo'ed shows and how they have a similar classification to your Bellview movie scale:

  • Live Time Show (LTS):  The show's so good you're willing to suck up the commercials and watch it like Joe No-TiVo.  (The OC, Alias, 24 Season 1)

  • Quasi-Live Show (QLS):  The show's good, but you're comfortable letting it record for 20 minutes before starting to view.  (Friends, 24 Season 2, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)

  • Same-Night Show (SNS):  It's good and you record it, but you're fine watching it AFTER the exceptional stuff has come on for the evening.  (Bernie Mac, That 70's Show)

  • Free-Time Show (FTS):  Stuff you record and watch when you're chilling out and there's nothing else on.  (some Simpsons, Monster Garage, 24 Season 3, Samurai Jack, Playmakers)

  • Decide to Delete Show (D2DS):  Stuff you record with intention of watching someday, but then when you get around to it and read the episode summary, you decide that it just isn't worth your time.  (Joe Millionaire’s second season)”


HM (High Maintenance)

6.  Colleen Layman, sweat pant specialist:  “I believe myself to be physically high maintenance, but not in the takes-two-hours-to-go-anywhere and goes-to-salon-on-daily-basis kind of way.  I love comfy pants.  I have many pairs.  But here is the difference: whereas a low-maintenance person might pick up the first pair of grey sweatpants that catches their eye, and they may even be super-soft, the high maintenance person like myself goes for quality sweat pants that won't pill or lose softness when washed. The end result is a look that is chill and laidback in quality comfy pants that can stand the test of time.”  We at Bellview love women who know and love their sweatpants.


Birthday Tips

5.  Ryan Black, also referred to as “Death”, in response to the fact that I hadn’t asked out a girl in almost a year:  “Haven't asked out a chick in a year? Either you need a kick in the dingy or you've come down with a case of ‘the gay.’”


Potpourri VI

4.  Mandy Reidel, in response to “The Backhanded Compliment”:  “I think I got you beat on the fat to thinner backhanded compliments.  Between 10th and 11th grade, I lost some weight.  The first day of 11th grade, I went into the high school office to turn in a form and the secretary asked if I had a fat sister who went to school there.  I'm an only child.  Ouch.”


The Rack

3.  Scott Bryant, who loves him some big-taddied women:  “Once in college I shamelessly accepted a date to an AO Pi function (AO Pi!) because the girl had enormous rockets.  Huge.  Biggest ones I've ever seen (and not paid for...).  I think I even tried to get her to sit up just so I could get the whole effect.  I'm the man.  Thanks for letting me relive that this morning.”



2.  Keith Karem, on his new vocabulary:  “For the record, ‘mayotard’ and ‘snatchologist’ have now been permanently placed in my vocal repertoire.  I've already started planning on how I can work both into some curse word tirade to be uttered at an upcoming sporting event.”


The 10-Year High School Reunion

1.  Matt Muller, giving me an update on his reunion:  “As for reunions - I had a great time with my man Sanjay ‘Dr. From Johns Hopkins’ Shah that put his 10-year-old theory into practice.  Since sophomore year in HS when he was getting rejected by women at a record pace, he decided that he was going to wait until age 30 when he would be a doctor and then ‘catch women coming off that first divorce.’  Sure enough, he targeted the three divorcées at the reunion and scored with one.  He may not be pretty and he may have a pre-arranged marriage from his parents already lined up but he is getting some sweet already-been-tapped ass.”

In prior years, this would all be followed by a survey, but since only two people (Robyn Johnson and big-time Gabe Harris) have answered the survey every year, I’m just going to bag it and tell all of you that any and all feedback is always appreciated, whether we are best friends or you have never met me.  Seriously, I’m always trying to make this better and with your help, I’m going to get there.  Thanks to everyone for their support this year; it’s been a lot of fun and looking forward to doing it again in 2004...



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The "fine print":
All material by Justin Elliot Bell for SMR/Bellview/ except where noted
© 1999-2009 Justin Elliot Bell This site was last updated 01/08/09