"Austin Powers: The Spy Who
Directed by Jay Roach.
Written by Michael McCullers and Mike Myers.
Starring Mike Myers and Heather Graham.
Release Year: 1999
Review Date: 6/15/99
Hey, let's be honest: come hell or high
water, a man's got a job to do. Mine? Review a movie every week of
the summer. This week, we're gonna go Q&A.
MORPHEUS (STREET NAME), WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF THE FIRST AUSTIN POWERS?
Let me be clear: the first "Austin
Powers" was one of the most overrated movies of all time!! At
best, the first movie was decidedly average, yet many of the people
on this list swear that it was "funny" or "smart," when nothing
could be further from the truth. I'll grant you the fact that
Elizabeth Hurley is hot, and I'll leave it at that.
IS MIKE MYERS EVEN FUNNY TO YOU?
I used to like him as a bit player on
“Saturday Night Live”, and even “Wayne's World” was pretty good.
But every movie after that just hasn't been funny to me, and I think
a lot of it might have to do with...Mike Myers. "So I Married
an Axe Murderer" is an awful movie--go watch it again, I dare you.
I NOTICED THAT A LOT OF FOLKS ON THE LIST
HAVE NEW STREET NAMES.
Hey, when you got time on your hands, you
use it, capiche?
WHAT'S "AUSTIN POWERS II" ABOUT?
I think it has something to do with Dr.
Evil and his snatching of Austin's "mojo," the mystical sexual
drive that Austin harbors within him. Austin then travels back
in time to get it back from Dr. Evil. This, friends, is one of
the worst ideas for a plot I've ever seen, even in a comedy about
nothing. Heather Graham also shows up as a "CIA agent,"
although the only spy-like thing that she does the entire movie is
plant a homing device on one of the bad guys. Otherwise, she
is T&A-incarnate. The movie is supposed to be a send-up of all
the James Bond movies, but it doesn't come close because it just
isn't very funny.
COME ON, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME GOOD
THINGS ABOUT IT?
I laughed exactly three times: the Jerry
Springer sequence at the beginning of the movie; the Dr.
Evil-Mini-Me rendition of "Just the Two of Us"; Fat Bastard.
Actually, I think Fat Bastard is the only thing that saved this
movie from the worst rating available. But, "Austin Powers II"'s
biggest problem is the beating-the-dead-horse virus that plagues all
bad comedy. Since many of you have seen the movie already, I give
nothing away by describing the car chase scene on the countryside.
After the bad guy's car crashes at the bottom of the cliff, he
climbs to the top, where Graham and Myers are waiting for him.
Bad guy: Now, I will kill you!
Myers: Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy: No, I won't do it!
Myers: Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy: You can torture me all you want, I
won't tell you!
Myers: Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy: Oh, ok...I can only tell you the
answer to your questions if you ask it three times...Dr. Evil sent
Then, to make my day even more FUCKING
MISERABLE, Myers asks him two more questions THREE FUCKING TIMES.
Then, Mini-Me shows up in a baby carriage and kills the bad guy, so
he can't be asked any more questions! During this TEN-MINUTE
FUCKING SEQUENCE, the theatre that I was in actually had tumbleweed
rolling down the aisles. It was that dead. So, I know I'm not
alone in thinking this piece of crap should never have been made.
OUT OF CURIOSITY, WERE THERE ANY BLACK
CHARACTERS IN THIS MOVIE?
Actually, there were two tokens in this
film, bringing the number of black "characters" in this summer's set
of movies to five. In "Austin Powers II," there was a "dancer" and
a "man in plane." I'm still hopeful that movies will eventually
have more than two black characters per film, but I've been waiting
for 24 years for that to happen, and here I am. Thankfully,
all-black movies are being made at a more rapid pace, so that helps
ease the continual rage I have at Hollywood over this dilemma.
EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE IN THE FINALS, DO THE
KNICKS STILL BLOW?
Yes, they still blow.
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard