Directed by Luke Greenfield.
Written by Tom Brady and Rob Schneider.
Starring Rob Schneider and Colleen Haskell.
Release Year: 2001
Review Date: 6/21/01
"Why did you see this?", you ask? Well, I
am a sucker for almost any sight-gag comedy, so "The Animal" fit the
bill. (Well, it was partially that, and the fact that my friend
Terry had already seen
"Tomb Raider" and refuses to see anything
animated, so "Atlantis" was out. Ironically, Terry can't wait to
see "Final Fantasy", so I called him a big eff'n hypocrite.) And
besides, after the low point of the year,
"Moulin Rouge", I figured
that things had to get better from there.
And, like its obvious (for dozens of
"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo", "The Animal" is
almost devoid of story but features mostly Rob Schneider's
serviceable sight gags. And, if you go into this movie thinking
that it will be about the same quality-wise, you are going to have
yourself a decent time.
What little story there is involves a police
clerk (Schneider) who is nearly killed in a car accident but brought
back to existence by a mad scientist who inserts animal parts into
the clerk's damaged body. From there, the clerk becomes a
superhuman (animal?) cop that saves the lives of innocents
everywhere...while also eating every meat product in sight, fighting
with other animals, and sniffing lots of animal and female ass.
Yeah, I admit that it does sound pretty
But, for whatever reason, a few of these
sight gags really worked for me. The dialogue, partially scripted
by Schneider, is horrendous and you can almost hear the crickets in
the theater when characters read hollow one-liners clearly written
with laughter in mind. Ed Asner, where art thou? Asner plays a
police chief in this film and you can almost envision his reaction
while he was watching this film at the premiere party: "Where is my
career going?" Adam Sandler and Norm McDonald make funny cameos,
but not until the very end of the picture. In the meantime, you are
kind of stuck with a poor cast of characters...including that girl
from "Survivor", and she couldn't act her way out of a high school
play. And, are her eyes naturally that sleepy looking?
Catch this one on video or when it makes its
inevitable debut on HBO next year. In the meantime, see something
Comments? Drop me a line at
Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard