"Adam & Steve"
Directed by Craig Chester.
Written by Craig Chester.
Starring Craig Chester, Malcolm Gets, Chris Kattan and Parker
Release Year: 2005
Review Date: 4/14/06
Like that girl you hooked up with
unexpectedly at that bar in the city where you just happened to be
that one time, a full-blown Hard Vice-quality movie ends up on your
lap like a Shanghai Surprise that you don't know what to do with but
you DO know you've gotta tell someone.
And, in the case of the new romantic comedy
"Adam & Steve", Hard Vice permeates through this fucking horseshit
early and often, getting so bad that my normally-profane movie
partner-in-crime--Mike "Curses" Iacovone, known on these pages as
"The Yac"--was sitting in stunned silence, unable to utter even one
additional profanity-laced tirade at the screen in an audience that
included four people, half of which were us. But, we HAD to
tell somebody that we were witness to this pseudo-Nazi war crime.
"Adam & Steve", written & directed by rookie
Craig Chester, stars Chester as Adam, a lonely bird-watching
Department of Parks employee who happens to enjoy the sexual company
of other men but is having a hard time with the NYC dating scene of
2004. Enter Steve (Malcolm Gets), the hot, strapping
veterinarian-turned-clinical-psychologist that is tired of boning
pieces of male ass in the locker room shower stall at the gym where
he works out...he wants a relationship.
And then Adam and Steve meet...although, as
we see in the film's prologue, these two really met about 18 years
before in a very uncomfortable situation. This will become a
problem later, don't you worry!
Yac and I both agreed on this much (besides the
fact that this way-too-long dog of a movie was utterly hopeless from
the jump): the script by Chester is actually not too bad.
Chester's direction--and more specifically, his editor--makes "Adam
& Steve" a fucking bottom-feeder, with countless bad scenes
featuring a complete lack of comic timing, a budget that appears to
be paper-thin (despite B-listers Parker Posey & Chris Kattan, as
well as a cameo from Julie Hagerty, of "Airplane" fame), punchlines
that come too early or more often too late, and strange uses of
music, dance numbers and close-ups, in no particular order.
Chester also gets a little too ambitious by trying to make "Adam &
Steve" a romantic comedy with too much feeling or drama; you can't
have a movie that has so many silly sight gags and a scene where
somebody takes a liquid shit on somebody else (I wish I was kidding
about this) and expect me to take a guy that is in love with his
partner even halfway serious. Uhh, no.
Wow, this was bad, fucking horrible but in
ways that you have to see to really understand; the sad thing is
that this is a genre that needs attention (the romantic comedy with
a 100% gay storyline, not one where the characters are experimenting
after realizing they might be gay, like
"Kissing Jessica Stein") but the movie is a disaster! With
a competent director and a veteran comedy film editor, "Adam &
Steve" would have been an average experience. As it is,
Rating: Hard Vice
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Bellview Rating System:
"Opening Weekend": This is
the highest rating a movie can receive. Reserved for movies that
exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development,
setting...or Salma Hayek. Not necessarily in that order.
"$X.XX Show": This price
changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently,
it is the $9.50 Show. While not technically perfect, this is a
movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.
"Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca",
but you'll have a great time watching. The $9.50 Show won't win any
Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see
"Matinee": An average movie
that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.
Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about
yourself. A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave
the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that
Lakers game last night?"
"Rental": This rating
indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your
friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one." Mostly forgettable, you
couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to
watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the
video store was out of copies of "Ronin." If you can, see this
movie for free. This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a
"Hard Vice": This rating is
the bottom of the barrel. A movie that only six other human beings
have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. A Shannon
Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every
one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a
movie. Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or
"Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this
movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!
(Warning: strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard