Wedding Essays

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The Perfect Wedding

8/27/01

(This past weekend, I hit the fifth of eight weddings that I was invited to this year, the wedding of Jon and Frances Duran.)

Now that I have been to a good number of weddings this year (and, one more to go in two weeks), I have crafted what I believe will be my perfect wedding, should I ever be so lucky.  As my friend Steve "The Daddy" Baron said to me on Saturday night, us men will have no control over our own wedding, since women tend to take over the planning of this special day.  In my dreamworld, I will do all of the planning.  Parents, hide the children!!  (Note--this is only half-serious.)

PRE-WEDDING

• Registry:  Best Buy and Banana Republic (mmm, flat-front chinos!)

• Bachelor party:  Miami, strippers, sporting events, class-A eats

• Attendance:  250 guests

• Location:  somewhere stateside, hopefully...for some relatives, they won't go out of the country.  Family comes first!

WEDDING CEREMONY, 6 PM

Although I am Catholic, I am not limiting the hunt for "that woman" to any religious barriers.  So, best to make it non-traditional.  Wedding party--seven guys, seven girls.  Attire:  pimped-out white tuxes for the gents, unbelievably hot, REUSABLE dresses for the ladies.  I am tired of hearing women bitch about how they have to pay $200+ for a wedding dress that they can't wear ever again.  At my wedding, we'll have a dress for them that they can wear many, many more times after my wedding.

Outdoors, someplace beautiful (Charlottesville?), sometime in September when the weather has cooled a bit.  One of those beautiful autumn days that you only see in the movies.  Ceremony features vows that have to be completely memorized by my future spouse and I, and the whole thing blows by in fifteen minutes.  The second a small child starts to cry, special predetermined baby handlers must whisk the kids to a inaudible location miles from me.  When the procession comes up the aisle of the outdoor location, people are dancing to a beat formulated by The Greatest Rappers of All Time, A Tribe Called Quest.

PICTURES, 6:30

The wedding photographer will be a professional.  They will show me that they have completed over 50 weddings and that customers describe that person as "reasonably nice, but they move through things FAST."  Perfect.  I am fine with smiling for a camera for a full hour, as long as the photographer is a pro.

RECEPTION, 7:30

As you may remember from an earlier Bellview, I don't like to wait long between ceremonies.  So, people will be fine if they only have to wait for an hour.  When the wedding party arrives, we will mix The Dating Game and NBA style and have loud, ridiculous announcements of the wedding party, once again accompanied by dancing.

DJ:  Next, he's a former ROTC Air Force wrestler from San Diego State...heeeeeerrrrrrrreeeeeee's CRAIG "MACK" JOHNSON!!!!!  On his arm is a girl hotter than eggs boiling on concrete in July...it's CHASTITY EDWARDS!!!  Give it up, peeps, give it up!  Give it up, peeps, give it up!!

Tables at the reception will seat no more than eight people, so that any friends I have that fall into the "fat bastard" category have room to cut their damn food.  I don't mind the additional cost, since the fat people will be happy.  (Yes, I just said that.)

Drinks?  You name it, we got it.  That includes Tahitian Treat, the greatest soda in the history of mankind.  Country Time lemonade?  Hell yeah, we've got that!  Purplesauras Rex Kool-Aid?  Need you ask?  Red Bull and vodka?  Come on over to the bar.

Hors d'oeuvres?  It's pretty simple, people--

• Tater Tots (with the finest Heinz ketchup money can buy)

• Wings (Dad won't be coming otherwise)

• Crab cakes (God bless the crab cake)

• McDonald's Chicken McNuggets (the 20% of the nugget that is really chicken says it all)

Dinner?  I don't know how to cater to the veggie, so I will have

• Caesar or house salad (you have already pre-ordered this), with over 50 croutons and real bacon bits

• Crescent rolls, with Country Crock spread

• Filet mignon or twin chicken breasts, wrapped in a hand-picked selection of bacon (extra bacon strips available upon request)

• Dessert is your choice:  chocolate-chip cookies...or, chocolate chip cookies

DANCING, 10 PM +

Dancing?  Well, we've got Sasha and Digweed, two of the hottest UK DJs on the planet.  Of course, from 8:30 till 10 PM, they are spinning dance music of all kinds, plus some oldies to keep the family members happy.  But, from 10 PM - 2 AM, the party gets crazy.  Tribe comes back from dinner to play some songs, then a band of mariachis show up to throw some Latin stuff into the mix.  After giving way to four of the hottest belly dancers that $5,000 can buy, all of the previous performers give way to the Gap Band and Basement Jaxx, who play a remixed version of "You Dropped a Bomb on Me (Baby)."

Whoa.  Who is going to pay for all of this?

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com