The Kill List
I was amazed when my friend Toby threw out
that our bartender, The Hot Bartender we had in Madison named
Gretchen, was suddenly no good to him. Not that Toby was looking
for female companionship anyway; he’s engaged, for crying out loud.
But, his fascination with our bartender evaporated when she
announced to my cousin Ron, Toby and I that she was going out on a
Why? Smoking is one of the things on Toby’s
“kill list”, my made-up name for that list we all have of the things
that absolutely kill off a person when you consider whether or not
you want to date them, or sleep with them, or marry them, or
whatever your interest might be. You know how it is—you’re at a
social function, and you are chatting up someone interesting, and
then they drop it: “Oh, by the way, did I mention that I have twin
“I just finished off my last vial...do
you know where I could score some more crack?”
“I think Puffy is the greatest rapper
“Ugh, don’t you just hate black people?”
Or whatever. My list, in case it needs to
be repeated for those that have just joined this madness that is
Bellview, only has two things on it: I don’t date smokers, and I
don’t date vegetarians. I, too, lost interest in Gretchen once she
dropped the smoking bit on us. I have nightmares whenever I have
the vision of going up to someone that has just put out a butt to
kiss them, and you get that fantastic nicotine flavor all up in your
mouth. I have had similar experiences when I have chatted someone
up and they drop on me that they think meat is evil and wrong and
blah blah blah before asking for the check or pulling a “Hey, look
at the time...”
But, I wanted to take in what other people
have on their kill list, so I polled 35 other list members to see
what they think. The twelve who answered, in alpha order: Adam
Bane, Leslie Calihman, Steve Chou, Caitlin Herlihy, Robyn Johnson,
Jin Lee, Namaala Liebenthal, Chuck Longer, Kristina Maranto, Matt
Muller, Brandon Pugh and Jennifer Young. Their scrambled responses
with their top five kill factors appear below, and all of them will
deny that any of the responses are theirs...so I wouldn’t even worry
about asking them if you are lucky enough to know these folks. I
want to warn you that you WILL be offended, you WILL drop your jaw
at a couple of these responses, and you WILL laugh out loud at least
a half dozen times.
Bollo ties/bow ties
Folks that talk with their mouth wide
open while eating (we all do it a little but I'm talking really
wide, Julia Roberts wide)
Massively strong cologne
Combovers (not because they are balding
but because by combing over the remains they demonstrate they
haven't accepted themselves)
Someone with no sense of humor
No rack. I KNOW that's all sorts
of wrong, and I genuinely apologize to all women who are
self-conscious, but, well...that's the way it is. I don't need
Pam Anderson, but I don't want to feel like I'm going out with
my 8-year old cousin, either.
Doesn't eat at dinner. This actually
goes for people across the board -- not just girls. If we're
meeting to eat dinner, then don't try to tell me that you
already ate. I derive a certain level of joy from consumption.
When someone doesn't want to eat, that tells me that they don't
want to have fun with me. I know that will be shot down by
every woman who says "Well, if I didn't want to have fun with
you, I wouldn't have come to dinner," but hey—you not eating, in
my eyes, IS the same as not coming to dinner.
No pride/Can't take a compliment.
Remember Patty Hu from the metro? The one thing I still
remember about her 5+ years later is that whenever I asked her a
question (e.g.: What do you do?) or gave her a compliment
(e.g.: You always look nice in the mornings), she'd respond like
she didn't have any self-worth—I’d get answers like "Oh...you
don't want to know what I do" or "Oh...I wore this last week and
am hoping nobody at work notices." If someone says you look
nice, say "Thanks" and be gracious about it.
Perpetually whiny. I HATE WHINING.
You're wasting your breath and my attention. Shut up.
Self-centered. Maybe I was just lucky
and never really experienced one of these types until after I
was married, but...my wife has an acquaintance—we’ll call her
"Steve." This girl Steve is nice enough, but she out-talks
EVERYONE. EVERYTHING has to be about her, and when the
conversation drifts, she finds a way to re-center it...on her.
I got so fed up once listening to her that I actually
just walked out of the room and didn't return until she was
Poor hygiene (e.g., MUST wash hands
after using bathroom)
Bad drunk (gets aggressive/angry, lots
of puking/passing out...in general, requiring a “babysitter”)
Someone who refuses to dance
Non-Asian...I'm a racist
Big fat mole on the face. There was
this really cute girl that I went to school with. She was cute
until I saw her up close and saw this big black thing right
smack in the middle of her forehead. Good thing I saw her up
close first before asking her out, saved myself some cash.
Cellulite on the thighs. Be sure to
take your date to the beach before committing. My motto is...If
she keeps her pants on at the beach, there's something wrong
Mustache. Fucking shave bitch!
Lacks kindness; I can't stand mean
Professional people in the financial
Lawyers—unless she works for a
Bad skin—sorry but physical attributes
are important since I'm a shallow person
Really fat women—same reason as before
No drug users, drug addicts, or the
like. The occasional pot (once a month or so) is ok, but when
the trik starts asking to "head into DC" to get her stash, then
there's problems. Or my friends constantly ask what those marks
are on my girlfriend's arms, you know its time to find a new
No smokers! That stale, smoky breath
and kiss is bad news. Other than body odor, that is a huge
turnoff. With that said, my wife used to smoke when I dated
her. I gave her the ultimatum of stopping or I was done...she
chose the former.
A slob (in dress and her surroundings).
If I walked into her apartment/house and it was a mess (not
just a few clothes on the floor, but I mean dishes in the sink,
trash not taken out, etc.), I'm out of there. I would of course
give her the benefit of the doubt for the 1st, 2nd, and maybe
3rd date to see if she was messy all of the time (or just had a
Rude. If she's rude to my friends,
family, or the people around us, then she's out.
If she doesn't want a family (i.e.
kids), then its time to move on.
Loud shoes (more than simply shoes that
make noise, loud shoes can be heard at a distance of over 30
yards outside and announce with each deliberate step “I am
coming, look at me, here I am!”)
Halitosis (bad breath)
Racist or supremacy beliefs
Back fat (and I’m not talking a hearty
behind...these are the rolls that exist above the waistline and
can usually be spotted lumping over the bra)
Bad Breath - needs no explanation
Men prettier than me - say a Michael
Jackson type. I don't mind good looking, fine men - but pretty
men - turn off
Long fingernails on a man
I hate to put this in writing - but I'm
not a chubby chaser. I don't mind "over weight" because quite
frankly a lot of us are over our ideal weight - but I don't care
Hunters for the fun of it (i.e. kill
just to watch something die)
Truck Drivers (they are away from home
People unemployed for a long period of
time (shows no motivation to better themselves)
Smoking (just tastes bad)
Crying (the occasional misting of the
eyes maybe, or a single small tear at my future
engagement/nuptials/birth of the first-born child, OK...but
sobbing or crying in general at things that particularly guys
just don't cry about I just can't have. Of course, I am allowed
to cry at all things at all times. It's a double standard—live
Bad table manners (if he's shoveling in
food and then showing it or spraying it during our dinner
conversation, he's out)
Bad coordination (can't dance but
teachable is doable; can't dance but plays professional football
is totally okay, but can't dance, can't make a layup, can't
throw a ball = O-U-T)
Bird-like chest (if my shoulders are
bigger than his it's never going to work)
You think “The Simpsons” is a cartoon?
You do not respect the Monorail episode written by THE Conan
O’Brien? Go back to watching your stories where the woman goes
into a coma only to come back as an evil twin sister trying to
steal the married guy that might or might not be her brother.
And my show is dumb....
You don't like Indian food but you have
never tried it? How do you know that you do not like it if you
never had it? Andrew Carnegie used to fire people like you and
so will I. Keep walking and enjoy the potatoes.
So you want to be in shape but you do
not like working out? How is that coming along for you? Oh
wait—you’re hauling that big, fat ass but still think that your
diet is coming along nicely. Yes, if by “nicely”, you plan to
play for the Packers next season. Working out is hard—keeping
up a boner for you is harder. Does it get any darker in here?
You went to [Virginia] Tech? See ya!
You went to Maryland? My dog is smarter than you (and probably
has more class).
You have a disease that rhymes with a
frozen drink you can buy at 7-11?
A Republican, anyone who voted for Bush,
or anyone who would CONSIDER voting for Bush (self explanatory)
A guy who does not offer to pay on the
first date (we may end up sharing the check or he pays the first
time and then I pay next time; but the gesture of offering to
pay the first time is crucial)
Anyone who mistreats or is condescending
to wait staff at a restaurant
Anyone who asks me over to his place as
a first date (this does not include invitations that come after
an evening out—I understand that's just part of the male
playbook—but I mean INSTEAD of going out he says "come over and
watch a movie with me"; NO WAY! Exception would be for a severe
injury that keeps him in the house or makes mobility very
difficult in which case I might offer to come over)
An outrageously bad laugh (the laugh has
to be really really really obnoxious but it's definitely a
killer because I love funny movies and joking around; this
actually happened to me—on the second date we went to a funny
movie and I almost left half way through because I felt like
everyone in the theater wanted to tape his mouth shut)
Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and
Longer Community Trust:
14 straight free meals for your birthday
(new modern-day record): Opening Weekend
“You know what I really love, though?
Bacon.”: $9.50 Show
Ridiculously cold outside...someone to
stay warm with inside: Matinee
The prospect of a 13-10 defensive Super
Bowl between the Pats and the Cats: Rental
People who think they are always right: